Til Death Do Us Apart

Chapter 1

Hello, so I should probably introduce myself.... My name is Zoe Sugg and I am a teenager from the small city of Peterborough. I have a brother called Joe Sugg and I am just so fucking excited because I am moving into London with him next week.

I am currently in my room, on facetime to my dear friend Tanya Burr and wow may i just say she is really fucking annoying me like jesus fucking christ i cannot wait to leave this shithole and move into a great place....which is LONDON!!!!!

Anyway I hang up because i need to go speak to my brother about him not cleaning his fucking skid mark off the toilet walls AGAIN! 

I make tiny little footsteps with my feet gently touching the wooden floor in our £20 per month house. Ugh I can't wait to move out of the shed. Now, you may be wondering why me and Joe live in a shed... Well back when I was in year 11( I am now 21 years old ), me and my brother were in the bathroom making out, and our parents were home at the time too so that is why we were in the bathroom.

Anyway so we are there just making out and my mum starts banging on the bathroom door asking why she can hear our dog, Poot barking about in the conservatory. We didn't give a shit because we just enjoyed the moment so much, but as she was about to open the door we had to cover ourselves up. I quickly jumped off Joe and stormed off and stood at the sink and started brushing my teeth so that my mother could not smell Joe's breath from my mouth, since she would know what it smells like because I walked in on them kissing SO MANY TIMES. To make Joe look less like a creep I speedily took off his trousers and sat him down on the toilet and told him to take the stinkiest shit he could manage. We did that just in time because my mum just walked in as he let out the biggest fart which echoed throughout the toilet making the pipes shake with fear. 

Gwen, mine and Joe's mother just stood at the door and I thought she did not suspect anything. Joe's diarrhea exploding all over the toilet walls, and my toothpaste just dripping out my mouth with excitement. 

"Well well well Joe so it is you who has been leaving all of these huge skid marks that Poot has been licking off in the last 3 months..." Gwen spoke as her voice vibrated through the vacuum creating sound waves in the room we were located in.

Joe sat there silently...Well almost silently since his diarrhea was the only audible thing in the room. 

Little did mum know it was actually my huge shits... Haha I guess thats what happens when I drink coffee I just get so excited I can't seem to help myself!

"No mum, please don't blame Joe for this!" I exclaimed in fear, trying to protect my brother

"OH SO YOU ARE SAYING THIS WAS YOU WHO DID IT YOU BOTTOMUS MAXIMUS?!" 

"I am not saying anything but you can't only blame Joe for this!!" 

"He's the one taking a shit right now" She says and points at Joe just sat there peacefully while King Jon Un is letting out the nuclear bomb out inside of him. As shes pointing at him, I follow her finger and just suck on it as hard as I can. MMMMMM, tastes just like pickles, I think to myself.

She shoves the finger down my throat which sends my gag reflexes crazy and I am sick all over her feet. She then takes the finger out of my mouth slowly and screams

"FROM NOW ON YOU AND JOSEPH ARE GOING TO LIVE IN THE SHED!"

and that is the story of how we both got kicked out of the house and are now living together, paying Gwen £20 a month, to live there. 

Anyway, I am off for now I need to go scold Joe off for leaving the skid marks in the toilet again! I hope this doesnt happen again when we move to London ugh that would be so embarrassing!! xoxo