HER

CHAPTER 8 M is for... (LANA)

I couldn't believe I had finally told her. Hearing it said out loud was so bizarre. I felt so exposed. Yet utter bliss engulfed me. Leaning into her, right here in this crumbling motel room felt perfect.

Wetting my lips I placed fiery kisses on her. One on the base of her throat, the next on her jaw. God, that girl had a jawline for days. Her face was flushed as I dragged my lips softly across her cheek. Her skin buzzed underneath my lips. The excitement and longing grew in my stomach. I felt like I was glowing. Some lips can mark you in such a way that it will haunt you forever. As I neared her lips, she started to tremble. Turning her head, she grew stiff and frigid. Confused I pulled away, her body felt dead in my arms.

Of course. She didn't feel the same way.

I knew what it was like to love someone who didn't love you back. Loving someone like that is like waiting in an airport and expecting a boat. I saw this everyday with Larry. He loved me so damned much that it broke me. Made me resent him more, yet now he was gone I missed him. However, just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life. Missing someone means you're moving on.

That changed when I was with Marina. I had finally stopped missing him. I had moved on. But this was far worse than Larry. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is one thing.

Loving someone who you think loves you back, then finding out they never did is completely different. It crushes you. You think everything is great, you're full of hope, then everything is ripped away from you. A rug is pulled from under you. And it hurts like hell. You would never really understand, not until you experienced it. Fuck, I never really understood it. Until now. It's something I wouldn't wish on anybody. Not even my worst enemy.

I should have loved her in silence. For in the silence there was no rejection. I wish I had remained loving her in my dreams. In my dreams there was no end. I cursed myself, love is nothing if it isn't reciprocal.

Marina was staring at me. My old friends paranoia, delusion and gullibility were back. My hands were placed on the wall. I couldn't breath. My chest was so tight. This was worse than last time. She didn't come near me, her hand was outstretched towards me but she didn't dare touch me. My face burned with embarrassment and shame.

I wanted to cry, to laugh, to scream, to kill myself. People say that, that they want to die. I think they want to live and don't know how to start. When I kissed her skin I thought I was finally alive. That I wasn't a loveless monster. That I wasn't deviant or crazy. That I was finally alive. But I wasn't. I didn't do any of those actions. Instead I just stood. Palms pressed firmly into the wall.

Finally, Marina spoke.

"I can't"

"..."

"I'm sick of apologising but I'm not ready. I just don't want to mess up this relationship like I did with the last."

My heart shattered. Did she really think that?

"Marina, you didn't mess up that relationship. He did."

"But I-I"

"Marin-"

"I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I'm so tired of hiding, of surviving and trying to escape situations. I'm fed up of feeling like this. Of feeling like I'm worthless. Of hating every inch of myself. I just can't love someone. I want to love you but I can't. I won't let myself."

"Marina. It's okay."

"It's not."

I laughed. "You think you have problems."

She blinked through her tears.

"What do you mean?"

I started to tell her about my insecurities. About Larry. She sat on the bed, thoughtfully listening. Whilst my heart hammered against my shirt. There was a chance she loved me!

"I think I killed him, slowly."

"How do you mean?"

"I was the type of girl who kept to herself, an outcast you might even say. You know the kind, head in the clouds, unpopular, unwanted and ignored. I never did finish school. I met Larry when I was 17, I thought I loved him. But we were never in love, only in like. At least that's what I thought."

Marina looked up at me, taken aback. She was silent for a minute then replied.

"What's the one thing that scares you?"

"I would say loneliness. But I feel as though everybody worries they'll end up alone. One big shared universal consciousness. Yet we are born into this world alone and will therefore die alone. The one thing that scares me. That truly chills me, is the dark..."

"Really? Why?"

"I'm always wary, even now. Even in my own room. That there's someone there. I hated it when I was younger. My siblings would jump out of cupboards and wardrobes at night. I would turn white with fright. It all started when I was young. Really young. My parents would let me walk home. It was a long trek home from school. They called me brave. Walking through the bracken, the leaves crunching beneath my feet. That's where I met Larry. He found me, curled up under a tree, terrified. It's funny, maybe he was the one I was so afraid of. Like little Red Riding Hood. But maybe. Just maybe. I was the wolf."

Marina sighed sweetly, exhaling through her nose.

"When I first met you, I never imagined how important you'd become to me."

I had never talked so freely before. Everything laid out in the open. Just speaking with her felt right. I knew we obviously couldn't be together. Not properly. But what we had right here and now felt good.

When we finally lay side by side in bed she rolled over, facing me. Her small hand reached out in the dark. Strong and confident as she felt around for my face. Her finger stroked the outline of my nose, my lips, my bones. With each touch I felt a shock. Like electricity shooting through my skin, settling deep into the tissue.

"I love you..." She whispered, her nose tickled my ear.

"Don't be stupid."