Unfixable (A Larry/LiLo AU Short Story)

            I hitched my schoolbag further up my shoulders, yanking open the door and hurriedly slipping inside. If I was the first one in my class, it would be a blessing. I could collect myself, maybe write more to…to him, try to get all of my thoughts out, create a safe blank. I felt the notebook in my bag, seemingly burning into my back, the importance of it weighing me down. It was my only connection to him, and I was clinging onto that with my entire existence.

            As I neared my first class, I angrily, swiftly, reached up a hand to swipe at my eyes. Damn it, Louis! I needed to stop, or I would need to do it before lunch, increasing my chances of being caught. I quickly found my way to the back, sliding into the first seat that I saw. Plopping my bag onto the ground, I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, fighting back the wave of memories that loomed in my peripheral view. At this time last year, we would have been sitting in the back, laughing and talking, me teasing him about some stupid thing. I still felt his hand, warm as it entwined with mine. His beautiful smile, the energetic gleam in his bright green eyes, as we talked about everything and nothing at all. My body trembled as the pain of the memories overwhelmed me, and I allowed two tears to streak down my cheeks, following the exact path of those before.

            I needed it. Now, while no one was in the room.

            I leaned down towards my bag, carefully unzipping the first pocket with my shaking hands, and gingerly reached inside, searching for it. I fought back another wash of tears as my fingertips bumped into it. My palm wrapped around its plastic exterior.

            “Hello…are you new here?”

            I jumped back, startled. A gasp rushed from my lips as I turned away from whomever had spoken, quickly wiping away the salt water and hoping my eyes weren’t too horribly red…though I had no doubt that they were. Last night had been one of those nights, again.

            “Yeah,” I answered, attempting to make my voice appear normal. Though it wavered a bit, it sounded better than it could have. I turned to face the person who had asked me the question.

            My breath caught; my throat closed.

            He smiled at me, his grin warm and friendly. His chocolate brown eyes bore into my own blue ones, welcoming and bright. “I can show you around, if you like. The name’s Liam,” he told me, his expression never changing. I felt my heart begin to trickle its normal amount of blood, the rips in it unfixable.

            “L-Louis,” I replied quickly, my voice weak, before turning away. If I looked at him any longer, I wouldn’t be able to hold back my tears.

            Thank God the bell rang just then.

            As the class scurried to their seats, I rubbed my forearm on the edge of my desk, needing my drug, my pain killer, and needing it before anyone else noticed me. I sighed in relief as warm blood cascaded down my arm, ignorant of the stain it would give my clothing. Instead, re-opening the cuts I had made last night brought pure relief.

♫♪♫♪

Dear Harry,

       Do you remember the first time we met? I certainly do. You were new in the neighborhood; you had moved in only a few houses down from ours. I was only twelve, and you were but ten. I went over with Mum to bring biscuits to you: chocolate chip. I can remember that very well, the smell of the chocolate melting in the oven, the sweet scent of warm biscuits. I recall whining and whimpering because Mum wouldn’t let me have any. “These are for the new boy,” she had told me sternly, with a smile. “Don’t you want him to be happy?”