To feel again

Untitled Part 1

Damnit.

You asked me out, I said yes. It was something that I wanted, I mean you're you. You're my girlfriend. Just saying that feels unfamiliar on my tongue, but it's true. You're my girlfriend and I'm yours. But it doesn't feel right. It's like it hasn't registered for me on an emotional level. I know we're dating, and I want us to be but it doesn't feel true. It doesn't feel like you actually asked me out like maybe I dreamt it up or hoped for it so much I managed to convince myself it happened except I know I didn't make it up. I know it happened so why doesn't it feel like it? What will it take to feel real? Because I want it to, I want it to feel real so badly it hurts. Why can't I feel things that others can? Why is it that when someone hurts themselves I don't feel any empathy for them unless they're really close. Someone may have broken a bone and still, I won't feel anything for them unless they're a really close friend. Of course, I can act worried, I can ask about them, tell them that I'm hoping for them to recover quickly, but in actuality, I don't care. At all. And it annoys me. Why can't I just feel like a normal human being? Have I managed to detach my emotions? Because if I have, well, I'd say I want them back, but for so long I've tried to be rid of them, tried to not feel them or at the very least ignore them, that I'm not sure what it would be like to feel again. If I felt emotion once again, would it be too much to handle or would it just be another insignificant thing that still manages to add to my constant state of stress and anxiety? Do I want to be able to feel how I should whenever I tell myself that we're dating? That's an actual thing, it's actually happening. Too many times I've had to remind myself of that, and still, I manage to find a way to tell myself that it's fake, that it's not true or just my imagination. If I force myself to feel again (if I can even do that) would being able to feel that feeling of true happiness, being actually able to emotionally process that is dating the most amazing person in the world win over the feeling of sadness that crushes every ounce of hope out of my very being?