The Middle Of The Sun

The middle.

I was cold.

I felt even colder when Boyfriend Three -I didn't bother learning their names- slapped my mum. She fell to the floor and let out a pathetic sob. I hated her so much in that moment, for being so weak and so damn desperate.

'What are you looking at?!' Three yelled at me.

You, killing mother slowly.
I turned and ran out of the house before he could kill me too.

I had nowhere to go, but I would have died ten times over than go back to the house before night-time.

I rummaged through my small bag. Keys, mints. A well-thumbed copy of 'Pride and Prejudice'. And something else I hadn't noticed before; the black shiny credit card Three had given my mum. An apology, she had said it was.

I was accepting his apology, literally.
I caught a cab to the mall, venue for all bored or escapee teenagers. It was packed, as usual. In a way I liked it. Nobody would notice my tired brown eyes or the scars up my arm. At the same time, I hated it. I wanted someone to notice me and tell me I was going to be fine.

I went straight to the food court. Ice-cream was comfort food, so I got a big tub. I was already cold anyway.

I had taken exactly three spoonfuls when someone said behind me, 'You'll get brain freeze.'

'Who says my brain isn't already frozen?' I replied, without looking at the owner of the voice.

'The voice sat across from me. I didn't want to think of it as a person. I was still trying to run away from people.

'You look tired.'

My head snapped up at that. He had brown eyes too, so I guess he had experience telling when they were tired. His gaze me feel warm. I told myself that was stupid.

'Do you have a name?' I asked.

'Yes', he said. Nothing more.

I glared at him, irritated. 'Well, what's it?'

He smiled calmly back at me. 'Christopher.'

'Thanks for stopping by, Chris. Now get away from me.'

'It's Christopher. Not Chris.' He hadn't moved an inch.

I took my time to look at him well. He was very pretty, I guess you could say. He had thick black hair, combed back neatly. He was in a plaid shirt. Only good boys ever wore plaid shirts.

Maybe the universe heard my mind. Because someone else sat next to Christopher. And he was the exact opposite. Except they looked exactly the same.

Christopher sighed. 'My twin brother, Nicholas.'

The new brother grinned at me. 'It's Nick.'
His gaze remained on my face. If I thought Christopher had made me feel warm, Nick made me feel hot. I felt myself flush.

'I'm going for a party, by the way. You guys wanna come?' Nick didn't look away from my face.

I glanced at Christopher. He was scowling at the table. 'No. Drowning in a sea of sweaty teenage bodies isn't the way I want to go.'

It wasn't the way I wanted to go either, but I heard myself say yes.

Christopher's eyes shot to mine, looking like I had just betrayed him. I looked away nervously.

'You can have my ice-cream, okay?' I said, like that would make it better. I wanted to cut off my tongue.

'Yeah, you can have her ice cream, Christopher.' Nick's eyes were shining with triumph, like I was some kind of trophy he just won.

The look on Christopher's face made me want to stay. Perhaps he was broken too, and was seeking comfort just like I was. But Nick's hand was already reaching for mine, drawing me away from good old Chris.

I don't know why, but I turned back to Chris and said, 'I'm sorry. Whatever else happens tonight, I'm sorry. My name is Shalom.'

Christopher smiled. 'How appropriate. You were already goodbye before you even said hello. Stay safe, Shalom.'

* * * * *

The party was loud. I couldn't even hear myself think. Just what I needed.

Nick introduced me to all his friends, like I was now part of the group. I didn't mention how I had to be home before eleven.

We did shots, and played Seven Minutes In Heaven. Within two hours, I was well and truly one of them. Laughing hard and sure of the future the way only drunk teenagers can be.

Nick pulled me out to the wraparound deck after another round of shots.

He pulled me in close and tapped my nose. 'You're beautiful when you actually open up.'

Then he looked away. 'God, I sound like Chris.'

I smiled big. 'It's nice that you said exactly what you meant. Even if you sounded more like Chris.'

'I have a confession,' he said playfully.

'Go on,' I said.

'I brought you here at first just to spite Chris. Every girl I've ever dated low key had a crush on him. He knows how to treat a girl, too well. But I know he deserves you more. He even found you first. And even though I know I should lead you back to him, I really want to kiss you right now.'

I stared at him, speechless. And then the courage came out of nowhere. 'Then kiss me, Nick. I'll get to know Chris some other time. But it's you that's here now. So kiss me.'

He did. And I felt like I was in the middle of the sun. It was no tame warmth. It was fire, burn-the-earth-down, leave-it-in-ashes fire. Maybe it was the alcohol in my stomach.

My mum called. Ten times. And I stared at my phone every time she did until it stopped ringing.

I took more shots with Nick, even though I was at my limit. Then he suggested we go home. We were both in no condition to be driving.

I was too drunk and I hated myself for letting go this much. But I liked the heat that came with Nick. So I said yes.

I wanted to this night to be immortal. But then I thought immortality came with death. I wished briefly for death -talk about the call of the void- before I remembered there was so much to live for.

It's ironically befitting, now that I think of it, that I got my wish that same night.

I remember how the wind felt on my face. The way my hair blew out behind me, while he drove a little fast down the curvy little road I was scared of taking even in the day.

But I was not afraid. Heck, I was barely even me.

I saw the lights of the other car approaching, too fast then for me to truly understand the danger we were in. It felt like a spotlight, and I loved it.

It was like getting all the attention I had ever craved. That night, the world was mine.

The car that hit us skidded to the left; Nicholas' car skidded to the right, over the railings, and down, down below.

As the world turned somersaults around me, I felt free. I was flying, through time, space and everything else there was.

When the world came back into focus, I smelled fuel and felt warmer than I ever had before. I glanced at Nick beside me. Blood was running down the side of his face, but I thought I saw a smile on his face.

'I'm so sorry,' he said, right before I saw the flames licking at the edge of his seat.

I thought of Christopher, and the plaid shirt he wore. I never even got to hear him laugh. And I felt like crying.

But I think I smiled back. Till the very end, I felt warm.

Immortality awaited. Or perhaps, oblivion.

Boom, went the car.