my heavy relationship with food

poetry - weight loss

It's already so important.

My health is important.

My weight is it.

My eating disorders are the most.

Not that I want to lose them or work against them.

I just need to push them in the right direction;

to slow down my binge eating and support anorexia, not much, but a little more.

So that I still eat, but count the calories of all the food I eat.

So that I drink more water, preferably two liters a day.

So that I eat fruits and vegetables, not all this garbage:

sugary sweets, fatty fast food and massive meals.

So that I finally lose weight.

I really wanna do more sport too and regular.

So far it's just a short workout (30min) including arms (10min), legs (10min) and abs (10min),

just one time a day.

I wanna do it more often, especially on weekends and vacation.

I really need to get more muscles,

cause more muscles burn more calories

and burning more calories means losing fat

and fat is weight that I don't want.

Fat is all that wobbly garbage I used to eat.

The giant adult portions I punched down my throat.

The sugary sodas I used to drink and all the sweets I ate till I felt sick.

That has to end; NOW!

After nearly fifteen years I finally wanna be skinny.

I wanna feel comfortable in my body.

I wanna feel healthy.

I wanna look in the mirror without wanting to vomit.

I wanna be proud of my figure.

I wanna walk without making noises, without leaving traces in sand or snow.

I wanna hear compliments, how good I look and how skinny I got.

I wanna get boys' attention.

I wanna make them stop breathing, cause they can't imagine how skinny I've become.

I wanna be recognized as the pretty, slim girl; not as the giant pig.

I wanna be better.

I wanna be perfekt.

I wanna be Ana.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this text in a very emotional mood. I planed to wrote a motivating text, but it seems to turned out in a love-letter to Ana(?) I guess. . . It just fitted so well and I actually like this.

Please, nobody needs to tell me how dangerous anorexia nervosa is. I know it's deadly and I don't dare to romanticise it.

These are just my feelings that I sometimes have (I'm sorry for them), that I never ever want to eat something again and painfully die. The opposite is my binge eating disorder where I don't care about what or how much I eat. I just do it! I am fat since my birth. Instead of being fat, I rather push my self to the boundaries and don't eat at all. Just to be skinny for at least a moment before I die. Although I know that I'll never feel thin enough, at least the other see me this way.

That's why I rather want to have anorexia nervosa than this terrible binge eating disorder. Just to be slim one time in my horrible life.