its not that i don't want to be happy.
its that despite how hard i try, i can't bring myself to be happy. i feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed.. why did i have to be this way? all i ever seem to see is sadness and grey.
its like theres this burden on me pulling me to the ground, and however hard i try i can't bring myself out. i can't bring myself to care. about anything. about me, not me, not him, not her.. living has become this constant nightmare. and its just not fair.
society will tell me to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation. i tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication because it's a disease that affects every aspect of my life; my work, my relationships, my education. and to this day, despite my efforts to explain, i am always met with blind hesitation.
people ask me "why are you always so sad?" i tell them that i dont know.. i dont know. what i do know is that i wake up everyday feeling absolutely like shit and that thats become my norm.
i'm afraid of the world, i am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that i will be judged for something that i cannot control.
where's the fairness of it all?
do you think i like to watch myself fall? into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe?
so i hide them and i put up a wall.. that is so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws. i create this character..
and she is perfect.
shes invincible.
and so i carry on living these two lives. one for the public. and one just for me late at night. cause that's easier than admitting that i have a problem. and that's the problem. depression is the hell inside of me. and it eats me up daily.
not mine
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WONDERWALL
Random[SAFE HAVEN] • "Ah, but I don't blame you. I'll never burn as brilliantly as you. It's only fair that I should chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you'll return to me." --- x quote in description above d...
