Culpability

1: Floating in an Eerie Sea

It always started like this.
Scarred hands in more of a fair shade clutching the sides of the porcelain sink in the boys' bathroom nearly every day. See, when things get so built up, people explode and it never ends well for anybody who witnesses.
Remus Lupin was a time bomb waiting for the fuse to burn up, waiting for the big boom to tear his entire being apart; if not all of his close friends along with him.
An unsound exhalation left the seventeen-year-old's ghostly lips as he met his own eyes in the reflection before him. Spectral blue eyes met their accompanying ones through the glass for roughly one minute, maybe more. Not another soul dared to pierce the aura of loneliness trapped inside of the nearly vacant bathroom as feelings of guilt washed over the boy. Boy? With all Remus has been through, he isn't a boy anymore...
The young man's eyes trailed down to the scars scattered along the flesh on display for the mirror to echo. A long, deep scar that trailed along his left cheek and over the bridge of his nose to barely reach under his right eye was the most prominent one on his face. Two scars that were more slender came up from his jaw on the left side as well, which later met up with a deep and short scar on Remus's neck. One more scar on the teen's face was on his right cheekbone and really stirred up gossip in the halls.
Remus Lupin was quite tall and would be described as lanky, occasionally dressed in clothes that went out of style ten years ago yet pulled them off quite nicely. His curly hair was the color of the outer rim of the center of a sunflower, yet so so much lighter like honey and was always a bit untidy. He typically bore a sweater with pushed up sleeves if he wasn't in school uniform with a prefect badge shining in the light. That badge might have been the only shiny and new thing he owned.
Remus's eyes were trained on the scars taunting him in the mirror. So many taunting phrases and ridiculing self-doubts filled his head when he would see those pale pink slivers on his skin. The memories of exactly how those scars made it to Remus's skin put a bitter taste in his mouth. The room seemed to have been closing in after his arms became much too heavy to bare and his eyes simply could not focus anymore after all the thought put into it.
        The floor felt as if it had dissolved beneath Remus's feet and the air was stolen from his lungs. His head was too airy for his liking yet his pulse was deafening. The young man's next conscious thought was the fact that he was on the floor and couldn't make a sound. Brilliant yet sorrowful blue eyes were slowly opening and closing like an old, creaky door as his mind overtook itself with questions.
        How long had he been lying there? Hours? Days? Was he going to starve before his limp body was found? So many inquiries flooded his mind and overtook his entire being. Was he to die here? Was he to rot in a vacant bathroom and end up being the second ghost student at Hogwarts?
        Every mental utterance was silenced once the squeaky door opened to allow light to peer into the once dimly-lit bathroom. Oh, who was there? Who was going to see Remus like this? Who would enter this bathroom anyway— and why were they not in class? Anxieties just made Remus's state even worse. His breathing started to become heavy and at this point his muscles just felt numb. Like he was floating in calm waters yet it was much too eerie to be comfortable.
That was, however, until the person who intruded on Remus's episode spoke up after what felt like hours. In reality, it was only seconds. "Moony," the familiar voice mustered out. Remus knew exactly who that voice belonged to.
Tall, slim, dark and mysterious Sirius Black. With his shoulder-length black hair and those ghostly gray eyes that took the breath away from Remus's lips. Sirius Black with that leather jacket that he wasn't allowed to wear but he was a rule breaker. Sirius black that smoked. Sirius black that all the girls swoon over. Sirius black that ran away from home last year and rides an enchanted motorcycle. Sirius black..
Sirius Black was Remus's best friend. He was patient with Remus's struggles and always gave him a helping hand in his times of need. Sirius Black...
Next thing Remus was aware of, he was in Sirius's bed being held in his arms. His nickname was being whispered oh so quietly, as though someone were to be afraid to break him.
"Moony... Moony it's alright. I'm here now. You're here now," the voice trailed off. Remus began to rise back into consciousness and recognized the voice. Why was Moony his nickname? The very reason reason why he had all of those scars.
Remus Lupin was bitten by a werewolf when he was a child and just had to grow up as one. He never had a relationship with strings attached and didn't keep friends around until...
"Oi, he's waking up. Moony? Peter and I got your favorite as soon as Sirius told us," his friend, James Potter said. He was roughly Sirius's height and typically had a smug smile on his rather attractive face. With his messy black hair, stunning hazel eyes and glasses, he was rather popular with the ladies. However, he only had his eyes on one girl in his year that never gave him the time of day.
Peter, as James mentioned, was their other friend. He was nearly a foot shorter than Remus (who was the tallest, only barely) and was rather plump. His hair was a sort of blonde with a good bit of sun-kissed natural highlights. His most prominent physical feature was his enlarged two front teeth that made him have the appearance of a rat, though he wasn't necessarily unattractive. The four seventeen year olds were roommates and became best friends in their first year at Hogwarts. Since then, their bond was unbreakable.
"Mm," Remus hummed and squeezed his eyes shut. Nuzzling his head into Sirius's chest and taking in the scent of his cologne, he heaved out an almost silent sigh. "Pads.." he muttered before he felt a hand caressing his back. "'M sorry."
Remus could feel the slight vibrations of Sirius's chuckle and oddly enough, it made him feel safe. He was here with his three best friends safe in their dorm room. "Sorry? Don't apologize. We all know you struggle the night before the moon. Its just—" Sirius started, but was cut off in the middle of a sentence. He met his friend's pale yet radiant blue eyes and stopped talking once the owner of those eyes in his arms scut him off.
"No. I'm sorry that I have to give you detention for skipping class. Fourth period? You had transfigurations. Show me a hall pass and I'll let it slide.." Remus said with a faint smile.
Whether he was joking or not, it made the three other guys relax and feel at ease. The tension was gone and their Moony was safe and awake after his episode. All was well for the rest of the day, though Sirius knew there would always be that shadow of a doubt in the back of Remus's mind. He knew Remus best, after all.
At night Sirius often stayed awake just to be sure Remus didn't have nightmares. He knew Remus had this unspoken of trauma and guilt that he never mentioned. But Sirius knew. Sirius knew Remus best.