Today I woke up warm, with my back pressed against Jacey's chest and her hands on my stomach. She must have felt the breeze too. I had to climb over her to get out of bed, as I woke up earlier than her. She was beautiful as she slept.
I woke up with Jacey again today, and last night when I got home from the club she was waiting for me. I'm starting to think there's a reason for it beyond temperature.
I have an animation project due in a week. I should probably start.
My mom called today. I didn't really want to talk to her, but I didn't want her to falsely believe that there was something wrong, like she's being doing my whole life. I put fake enthusiasm behind my words and said my studies were good.
I didn't know Jacey could sing, until now. She sang from laying in bed and tapping a pencil against the wall. I danced, watching the corners of her mouth twitch in to a smile until her voice cracked with humor. I asked her to dance with me but she declined, shaking her head and saying that she would rather watch me dance. I'm okay with that.
Oh shoot. My animation project. I better get on that. Maybe I can get Jacey to remind me.
Jacey shoved me in to my desk earlier and said she wouldn't let me leave until I did my project. It took six hours and I just finished it, I have class in an hour.
I want chicken so badly. I don't think I've ever wanted anything this badly in my life.
I painted a picture of Jacey today. It was pretty good, but I still can't get my mind off the chicken.
Jacey's mom came to visit. Jacey seemed on edge the whole time and her mom looked at me strange. Maybe she didn't like the wall I painted. After she left Jacey slammed the door and locked it, she seemed really angry. I sat on my desk in the corner and let my legs dangle on either side of my chair as Jacey stormed across the room. She kind of scared me, her anger aside, she's taller than me and probably a lot stronger than me. She walked over to me and looked me in the eyes. I reached out and put my hand on her face, and she leaned into it. I didn't have a reason to be scared.
My older brother just got back from studying in China. My mom said I should come home and see him but I told her that he could come here if he wanted to see me that bad. She got mad about that, but he said he would come see me and that he wanted to see my campus anyways.
Jacey seemed surprised when I told her I had a brother. She asked why I never mentioned him before and I didn't know the answer. It never seemed relevant I suppose.
Jacey told me she loved me today. I wonder why she said that.
I have a project due on Wednesday. I started it earlier and its a lot of fun.
I hated today. Nothing bad really happened to make me think that way, but today just sucked. I felt like a was wearing a jacket made of lead all day, weighing down my shoulders and causing my feet to drag. Every set of eyes on my back felt like small needles stabbing through my skin. Every word people spoke to me stung more than usual, ringing in my ears and bouncing around in my head until the echoing my skull hurt and and I couldn't lift my arms onto my desk. I put my headphones in and turned them up as loud as they could go, until I couldn't hear or feel anything around me. I ended up back at home but I don't remember walking.
Somebody shoved me as I walked to class today. I fell onto the sidewalk but he didn't stop to help me up.
I discovered a new playlist on Spotify, and my life is great. I sat on my desk swinging my feet and nodding my head for almost two hours, before I left to work. Jacey said she wanted to see me dance, and I told her where the club was. She smiled and said she would see me when I got home.
I think my favorite color is #22AAA1.
I danced to my favorite song in the middle of the night. I closed my eyes while dancing, and didn't notice the lights turn on. It didn't know how long it was but I heard Jacey saying my name. I opened my eyes and she was standing in front of me, looking down at me. She then wrapped one of her arms around me, placing it on my lower back, and I reached up, hooking my arms around her neck. The other hand she put on my elbow, pulling my face towards her while she stepped towards me, pushing me into the wall. She pushed her body into mine against the wall, while her lips on mine were surprisingly gentle. I felt crushed against the wall, small, but I think I liked it, especially as I felt Jacey's tongue slip inside my mouth.
I woke up this morning content, curled into Jacey's arms. In fact I was so happy, I fell back to sleep. I woke up the second time with Jacey kissing the side of my face and neck. I drowsily put my leg over her hip, pulling her closer to me when I felt a sharp pain in my neck, causing me to jerk back. She smiled at me, silently laughing, before pulling me in closer again. I relaxed into her grip, letting my eyes almost slid closed, until I leaped our of bed in a panic. Class was going to start and I didn't want to be late. I was late anyways.
I think I'm more productive while sitting on the floor than sitting at my desk.
I had to go to therapy today, I really enjoyed it. My new therapist is really nice and she doesn't treat me like most people do when they learn about my struggles. I have difficulty understanding and remembering things when they're told to me, and most people then just don't tell me things unless it is absolutely necessary and then they talk very slowly and nod their heads a lot. If I going to be honest it looks pretty funny. My therapist spoke normally, with just slightly simpler sentence structure and vocabulary so it was easier for me to put her words together. I told her about everything that has happened so far this year, or at least everything I could remember. I told her about everything I'd left behind, which I hadn't thought about at all really. I told her about how my dad treated me as if I was like a belonging, owing him. How it felt that when he said he was proud of me, he actually meant he was proud of himself for raising me. He didn't raise me really. Neither of my parents did. My mom was always poking into my thoughts, asking questions about things I was doing, taking away my interest in them and making me feel like I was doing it for her. How gradually I would lose focus of everything I was doing because she made it about her. I raised myself, on the streets in my free time, watching and learning. I taught myself a language, an art, a skill. I came here to escape. I think I did it well.
My brother came by today to say hi. I think he was happy to see me, in that sibling way, but he showed up at my dorm and gave me a carving from China, and told me I had upset my mom before going to explore the city. I barely said two words to him, but we had never been close. Jacey said he was tall, I told her I already knew that.
I've been thinking about joining a local taekwondo gym. I got my black belt when I was 16, and I was still interested in continuing. I asked Jacey to sign up with me and she said we could do it later in the week.
Why did I laugh at a cat named missile launcher.
Jacey and I had taekwondo today and I had a lot of fun.
