they're all leaving me behind
to drown on my own
while they're in their own world
their own, peaceful world
full of smiles and laughter
good music
fun and sleepless nights.
their own peaceful little sphere
without me.
and in this world
it's better.
they're better
off,
without me.
it's not real.
it's not real.
it's not real.
but it was.
it still is.
for me
and it will be for so much longer.
while brain unlearns
rewires
copes or doesn't.
while i ask myself
why.
why it still hurts
why words still haunt me,
even the unspoken ones.
or the ones spewed in anger,
long-since forgiven.
why you still haunt me
torment me
plague my mind like a computer virus that just keeps opening pop-ups
no matter how many times i hit the little "x."
restart
reboot
repair.
you're still there.
smiling, laughing, crying.
whispering, avoiding, lying.
our whole little world still exists inside of me,
and that's the problem.
it was evil
twisted
irrational.
tainted with toxic sludge
that sucked us down
and under.
it's burned into me
our own world.
and it doesn't make sense
to keep holding on to something
that stings so deeply and continuously.
i don't want it.
i don't want this anymore.
it hurts.
hurts me
hurts them
hurts.
it hurts
to think that every person is pretending.
that they're all building their own worlds
that i can't touch.
just because that's what you did
just because that's what i do.
i build my own world,
one full of light
and love and support
and music and laughter.
and then i take myself out of it
i seek out the storm
and get lost in it.
i felt safe in our world
and you ripped it out from under me,
shattered the facade.
i was never safe in that world
it wasn't real.
but it felt so tangible
so solid.
now safety is terrifying
love is pain
friendship is holding my breath
happiness is fleeting
because of course it is.
dec. 24
Start from the beginning
