My Inside's Taking Over Me

Chapter 1 The Genesis

I've never been so vulnerable until my life had become so unwritten.

It was like my mind was elsewhere but yet still with me. I often find myself lost physically and mentally-- in the woods, or somewhere unknown. Naked. It had come to a point where most of the times I felt completely clothed, but usually never was.

I could never remember where I was or how I got there. I blamed that on this thing that's been happening to me. I'm used to it, walking home at four o'clock in the morning from wherever I may be at that time. It's nothing brand new. I'm scared but at the same time I'm not, because it's normal to me, it's normal for me. I'm immune to this feeling.

My life has taken a tole for what could be for better or for worse. Although I pray that whatever this is is for the best.

I live on my own. An apartment near Lake Erie in Cleveland Ohio, is the place where I call 'home'. My parents never really knew me. The real me. My mother didn't raise me right, and my father was never involved in my life.

I'm alone in this world. On my own. So cold. I mean there's other people surrounding me but I'm still alone. I'm my own type. There's no others like me, at least I don't think there is. I'm different then the rest-- you could say.

My transition is slowly prospering with an intent of its own. My mind has challenged me to the fullest and I'm ready to take on whichever phenomenon it reveals to me.

My mind is all over the place and I seek immediate medical attention as I begin to feel closer to my death bed. It's as if my mind.. Is killing me. Vigorously. I feel pain emotionally and physically and it mutilates me. I'm scared I'm hurting others around me when I'm not in my right mind. But then again, when was the last time I was in my right mind.

This is critical. Yet I am wise enough to understand that this change I am going through is for a reason. I'd like to believe that it has something to do with God's intentions for me. Maybe it's in Satan's wishes. But I refuse to get too religious because I am not a woman who believes in possessive demons taking over ones body.

I believe that the human brain can become out of place and beyond mind fucked. But to the contrary I do not believe in the concept of possession.
Nor will I ever.

I believe that that stuff only happens in movies and bullshit recognitions of stories.

People write about vampires and werewolves and possession all the time. I hear about it. I read it. Some even base it off of their so called"life experiences" and "true stories" but I can tell you that it's not real. They're not true stories because those types of things don't just happen. They're non-exisistant and it's not that I am not an open-minded human being but these wild sets of humiliation must have an explanation.

These constant uncanny acts of confusion must have a deeper meaning.

It all has to make sense. How disoriented can one be about what's going on in their own life? Answer: very.

I question myself daily, as each day goes by. I begin to feel demotivated to proceed in life, weaker but not as if I'm dying, almost as if I am being reborn. Brought into a newer life. My beliefs are starting to open up.

This is stupid. Fucking delusional bullshit. I'm becoming more aggressive and more of a vulgar person. I'm slowly distancing myself from others. I cannot be around anyone because I cannot control my actions. I do not trust myself. I'm violent as they come and it horrifies me to acknowledge that.

Why?
When?

I'm as lost as a new born puppy. I'm sitting here thinking what world am I in? Why am I still even here and what is the final termination or destination should I say. What are the outcomes of all this? I can't help but to question of all this, but I don't want to admit I'm going crazy because I do not believe that is the case here.

I also refuse to even consider the fact that this may be something out of the ordinary such as me becoming a vampire or werewolf or any other one of those bizarre rationalities.

Push away all possibilities or open up every possibility? The real question is, is it better to be more open minded in a situation like this or to keep my thoughts limited.

I want to reunite with my thoughts because as you can see my mind is all over the place. I don't know what to do with them exactly. I don't even know how to trust myself.