He wasn't sure how they had come to this, but he had begun to accept it. They were both sitting on the floor. They were facing each other, but her face was not visible as she held her knees to her chest, quieting the sobs. Even with the buffer of her legs in the way though, the cries were loud, and Murphy had absolutely no idea how to help. So he watched.
"Aren't you going to do something?" Raven panted between tears.
He didn't think that was fair. She was the one having a breakdown in his apartment. And now he was expected to solve all her problems? If he had those kinds of skills his life would be a lot simpler. And probably wouldn't involve a girl sitting on his floor crying. But he knew he had to say something. Bellamy would know what to say.
"Sorry, Reyes. I don't know what to do. I wish I could take the pain away." After he said this the crying slowed before coming to a halt. She lifted her head, looking at him through red, puffy eyes. Damn it she was beautiful.
She wiped her nose on her sleeve, "That's it." He didn't fully register what was happening before Raven had closed the space between them and was kissing him. It didn't feel real. He had loved her for so long, he had never imagined she would do anything like this.
He struggled to push her away, "What?" She asked with a hint of irritation in her voice. "Why'd you stop?" When he worked up the courage to look into her eyes it wounded him, they were staring back at him, still showing signs of all the tears but now filled with a different kind of hurt. She looked angry with him.
"Raven, I-" He didn't know how to tell her, "I don't want you like this. I don't want you to want me only because you're hurting."
"C'mon Murphy." She spat out, "You know it doesn't matter how you have me, this is already further than you thought you would get. And you aren't in any position to be picky."
Ouch.
He rested his hand on her cheek, "Raven, you don't understand. Of course I care, I love you."
She leaned back on her arms, separating their faces and she began to laugh. "You love me?" She continued to laugh.
"Let it go, Raven." He crossed his arms over his chest, wishing he hadn't said anything.
"Pathetic." She hissed. "Poor little John Murphy. Gets one friend and falls in love. You are incapable of love."
The taunting was getting to him. It was all his own fears and insecurities being sent right back at him by the person he had tried the most to hide them from. That was his breaking point.
"Get out of my house."
This stopped her laughing, "Fine." She stood up, she didn't have anything to pick up from the apartment, when she came she had been as much of a mess as she was in that moment. "I should've gone to Bellamy's in the first place.
At least I know he's a man." She let the last words sink into his chest in solidarity as she slammed the door behind her.
Murphy spent the night on the floor, not moving from the spot he had been in. When he woke up in the morning his whole body ached from sleeping on wood. None of it hurt worse than his heart however.
Because despite it all, he still loved her.
