To my companions.
To those people who understands the feeling and
to those who wants to understand.
You are never alone.
-
I sat here with my coffee, thinking about life and how pathetic i am.
Staring ahead dealing with my own demons.
Yes. Demons.
Such a shame to be called as Christian but the thing is, these demons are my own demons, i created them exactly how people showed me what is it to fcking live. I don't even want to call it living.
Yes there are times that i experienced pure joy. Feeling of extreme felicity that gives me hope that maybe, just maybe this barbaric world holds a place full of positivity and love. (Don't get me wrong, I still have this little light inside me hoping for the best.)
But.
At the end of the day those people who i entrusted my faith with, disappears at the exact timeyou needed them. The time when your stupid wild thoughts summon the evil inside you.
I tried to reach out i tried to talk i tried to share but it seems like they don't care. They don't care of what you are dealing with, they don't care even they told you that 'They do fcking care' but their eyes, those eyes that tells you the truth. The truth that holds false hope. The truth that made you believed that you are not alone in this battle.
I believed.
And I am such a fool for believing.
I am such a fool for believing that I have a friend who i can call home, a friend who can be there whenever these stupid thoughts cave in. I fucking believed and poured all my love to these people, i thought that would be there for me at times where i slowly choose dying over existing.
Remember the thing you told me that "it's so easy to say that. All these people want to end their lives just to be noticed." It is true people crave to end their lives just because they need comfort, love, assurance and acceptance. They need to be understand and to be accepted, to feel love, to be APPRECIATED, to see hope in th midst of darkness.
They need comfort. We need comfort.
Well I guess these desires holds its tragic truth, the truth that holds a sad
epilogue.
That we are our own human. We all have personal lives that we should live in even thought that you are ready to let those friends to enter your every fiber, they'll always say "let me live my life without your toxic ways."
And with that I learned to council. I learned that we are our own human and that i only my demons and my God.
