[MakoHaru] How to say I LOVE YOU?

Chapter 2: Hands to Hold

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love [luhv]  noun, verb,  loved, lov·ing.

noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

Haruka frowned, folding the corner of the page in his dictionary. It was late and Makoto had already fallen asleep beside him and he was restless. Makoto had curled up towards the wall, breathing so slow he didn't make a sound. Haruka had lain so still his legs hurt and his mind was racing too fast for him to keep track of what he was thinking anymore. In a fit of frustration, he had crawled out of bed and located his dictionary in the dark. He scooted over by the nightlight that was casting bright stars over his ceiling.

Though he'd read it a dozen times before, Haruka flipped through the dictionary, his heart fluttering with anticipation as if he truly believed the words would read differently this time. He felt a little sick when they read the same as always, confusing as ever. He pinched the edge of the pages, flipping through.

af·fec·tion [uh-fek-shuhn]

noun

1. fond attachment, devotion, or love: the affection of a parent for an only child.

2. Often, affections.

a. emotion; feeling; sentiment: over and above our reason and affections.

b. the emotional realm of love: a place in his affections.

3. Pathology . a disease, or the condition of being diseased; abnormal state of body or mind: a gouty affection.

4. the act of affecting; act of influencing or acting upon.

5. the state of being affected.

Haruka was ready to beat his head with this book, maybe then the words would get stuck in his paper cuts and seep into his heart where they always should have been. He felt like screaming and crying and ripping the dictionary apart. It was so useless. He was just too stupid, and he knew, he knew, if a dictionary couldn't help him, nothing could. He'd been left alone a long time ago, and soon enough, Makoto would leave him too. He'd be alone.

Desperation hummed in his broken heart. He flipped the pages, lips quivering.

ro·mance [n., adj. roh-mans, roh-mans; v. roh-mans]  noun, verb,  ro·manced, ro·manc·ing, adjective

noun

1. a novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting.

2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales.

3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory.

4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.

5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.

Haruka shut the book, and, with both hands, threw it against the wall as hard as he could.

Makoto gasped himself awake, shooting up in bed. Panicked, Makoto's eyes flickered around the dimly lit room, searching for danger. He found none, but, noticing the harsh frown on Haruka's face and the shine of watery eyes, he feel out of danger. Makoto scooted to the edge of the bed.

"…Haru-chan?" He whispered, pulling the blanket aside. Haruka flinched, shadows growing over his face as he turned his head away from his friend. The silence felt ominous, dangerous. It ate up all his words, left him silent and angry and scared and alone. He couldn't tell Makoto. Wouldn't. Haruka snatched a word from his mind before the silence could steal it from him. He whispered it to ears that would probably hear it even if it never left his lips.

"Sorry."

As quietly as he could, Makoto got out of bed. He poked at Haruka's toes with his own, hands folded shyly behind his back. Haruka nodded his head, which Makoto took as an invitation (because it was) and sat beside Haruka. The boys were silent for a long time. Haruka's words were all eaten up, but somehow, the gentle pressure of Makoto by his side seemed to ease the malicious aura out of the air.

"What happened?" Makoto asked, eyes on the dictionary lying on the other side of the room, its pages bent and crumpled. Haruka pulled his knees to his chest, ducking his head out of sight.

"I threw it." Haruka whispered.

"Oh." Makoto said.

Makoto had always known his friend was a bit different. He wasn't sure how, it wasn't anything he could point out specifically. Haruka was just different. He was a difficult person to handle, but Makoto took it all in stride. He tugged lightly on Haruka's sleeve. He waited.

When Haruka lifted his face, hands slipping from his knees to the floor, Makoto tried to act like he didn't see the shiny tear tracks smeared over Haruka's face. But then Haruka hiccupped and his shoulders hunched and his breath hitched.

It wasn't anything but completely natural when Makoto's hand curled around Haruka's.

They didn't say anything about it, and Haruka never told Makoto why he had thrown his dictionary, never told him how safe he felt with Makoto next to him, never told him how scared he was, or how sure he was, that it would go away.

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×× Ms. Kirishima