The Lightest Path

20

Two months later

Instead of laying next to Bucky that night, Grace had a night shift and an emergency surgery.
It wasn't a hard one and within three hours she was completely done. And exhausted. When she took off her surgery clothing and disinfected her hands, she went to her office and fell down on her chair.
It was 4 AM, which meant that she had two more hours to go before she could go home. This wasn't her first night shift, but every time she went to sleep in the noon, Bucky complained that he absolutely didn't like it.
Well, he stayed by her side when she went to bed and was still there when she had to wake up, but he truly hated her night shifts.
She understood, and she tried to find someone who could take them over. But even in such an advanced city like Wakanda, it was hard.
Bucky especially didn't like the fact that he only had a few free hours with her. Most of the time she had to get up before him, go to work and come back at dinner. And with the night shifts, she could stay in bed with him, but as soon it was four o'clock she went to sleep, to wake at eight.
But his real problem was that he didn't want to be alone when he went to bed. He didn't tell, he didn't have to.
Grace knew.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she took it out. "Hello?" she said with a soft voice.
"Grace!" screeched Kathie's voice, what made Grace startle. She almost jumped off her chair. "How are you? I thought that it was time to call? Already got a nice sunny skin or are you like a tomato?" She laughed at her own joke.
Grace went with a hand through her thick hair, that had been all nice the day. But now it was like bird's nest.
"Kathie, you're not really calling at a good time," she said and yawned.
"But I have got great news! I got the front page!" Kat's happiness made Grace smiled and gave her some energy.
"That's amazing, Kat." She fought against another yawn. "You're great. Keep going."
"Honey, tell me how you're doing. Still having a nice time in Africa?" She could hear the curiosity in Kathie's voice. If she knew where Grace exactly was, she would've come herself. Grace definitely knew.
"Yeah," said Grace soft. "It's fun. I'm never bored."
"Good to hear. I like to know how you're doing." Even though Kat couldn't see it, Grace nodded and looked around in her cozy office.
"Hey Kat?" Grace cautiously asked. She had to muster some courage and take a deep breath.
"Yes?"
"How's Tom doing?" She asked it almost every time. And every time she got the same answer.
"He's okay... I guess. He works a lot. But he's making progress, we're going to see a movie this weekend." Kat's voice became more positive. "He's getting out of that cave of his. See some sunlight, you know."
"He still doesn't want to speak to me?" Grace's voice dropped to a thin whisper. Oh no, what if she cried? She missed Tom so much. He was her friend.
Perhaps she wasn't his friend anymore, but she kept hoping. Bucky's words gave her some courage, and of course she knew he was right.
She just wanted everything to be normal with Tom again.
"No..." said Kathie after a short silence. "Just give him some time, Grace. He waited two years for you and then you left. He was heartbroken. He still is, he's healing."
"I know what he's going through," mumbled Grace. "When you see him... just let him know I'm doing fine and that I miss him."
Kathie thought for a second. "Okay. I gotta go, I need to write a new article."
"Good luck, Kat," said Grace.
"Stay tough, Grace," was Kathie's goodbye and she hung up.

- - -

Grace had to sleep.
She didn't care if there were kids waiting for her. She didn't care if Bucky needed some help with those goats of him - sometimes she needed to feed them when he had to do something else.
And she absolutely didn't care if she had to go buy some groceries.
When she was about to go home, another doctor needed her help with something, and later when Grace looked at the clock she saw that she had been at her work for another two hours.
The only thing Grace wanted when she got out of the car, was get some sleep. Curled up in the bed, in a cozy outfit and when she would wake up she would eat a whole bucket of ice cream.
But unfortunately, Bucky had other issues.
As soon she stepped out of the car and made three steps, he already came to her running. Grace was too slow to notice his expression.
Tensed and tired. Grace wanted to say something to him, like 'hi' or 'good morning'.
But Bucky didn't give her the time. He instantly wrapped his arm around her and pulled her against him, tightly holding her to his chest.
"Thank God, you're back," he whispered in her hair and Grace had to calculate for a moment before she confusedly embraced him. "You're two hours late."
"I didn't know you were so attached to me," she mumbled and did not dare to close her eyes - she was so tired that she was afraid she would fall asleep against his chest. Standing and well.
Bucky did not laugh at her comment.
Instead he buried his face in her neck and breathed in deeply. Now a concerned frown creeped over Grace's forehead.
"Bucks," she asked, "is something wrong?"
He sighed and pulled back a little, so he could look at her exhausted face. When he noticed that, he brought her inside. Grace barely noticed it.
"Don't worry, doll," he said and smiled tensed. His eyes didn't join the smile. "Get some sleep first. You're tired."
How badly she wanted to say 'yes' and fall into the pillows, she didn't. Grace grabbed his hand when he wanted to walk away.
"Not before you tell me" - she yawned in the middle of her sentence - "what's wrong."
Bucky sniffed and pushed her towards the bed.
"Take your rest," he insisted.
"No."
Bucky crouched down on his knees and sighed, curling his fingers through her hair.
"Don't be so stubborn." Even though she was tired, she was still able to roll her eyes at him.
"You are being stubborn. I don't like it when you're acting like this." With a hand she went through his hair and Bucky pointed his eyes down, now his smile disappeared.
"You don't want to sleep," he said, more to himself it seemed. "That's okay. You want something to drink?"
"Coffee. A strong one. I need it."
Without saying another word, Bucky got up and walked away. Grace wanted to know what was going on - she hated it when he held something back for her, even though he knew she maybe could help him.
Grace crawled further into the bed and lied down in the pillows, and fiercely blinked so she didn't fall asleep.
When Bucky came back, he handed over a steaming cup and the smell of coffee filled the room. With both hands Grace took it and lazily smiled when Bucky sat down next to her.
"How was your night?" he asked.
He always asked. Grace knew that he hated to, but he did it for her. Normally her night shifts weren't so exciting. Checking on patients and stuff, maybe even some administrative work.
Bucky thought that those night shifts were stealing his time with her, not caring about the fact that they could stay in Wakanda forever if they wanted to.
Shuri always rolled her eyes at him and said that he shouldn't act like such a baby, not be so selfish.
He would just raise his shoulders and say that he couldn't help it. How innocent.
"More exciting than usual," she said mumbling and took a burning sip of coffee. Bucky frowned at her.
"Well, tell me," he said when Grace didn't say another word anymore. "Don't keep your thoughts for yourself, doll. You know I can't handle that."
She knew that. He was al aye curious about what was going on inside her head. Sometimes too much to tell. Grace blinked against the sleep, slowly the coffee started to work. Not fast enough.
"Sorry," she said soft. "I had an emergency operation. And Kat called."
"She knows how to pick a time, doesn't she?" muttered Bucky amused and he breathed a little tensed when Grace lied against his breast.
"Hmm." Grace didn't even notice her eyes closed.
The coffee was almost spilled over the white sheets when Bucky flicked her nose, what made Grace startle.
"Don't fall asleep now, love. I just made you coffee!" His voice sounded joking, but if Grace didn't knew him so well she had not heard the slight sharp undertone.
"Sorry, I won't do it again." She sipped from the coffee again.
If it didn't work so slow, she would've been awake - she couldn't handle caffeine very well. He found out not so long ago. Bucky refused to give her coffee in the evening. Once she wasn't been able to sleep until 2 AM, walking around and talking non stop while Bucky sat on the couch, trying not to fall asleep.
He swore that it was the only time ever he had seen her so full of energy. And he regretted it still.
"And what was the reason that you're two hours late?" Now his sharp tone was clearly hearable.
Grace looked up at him and saw a tensed frown between his eyebrows.
"Another doctor needed my help. I didn't know it took so long." Bucky nodded, his jaw was clenched and he wrapped his arm tighter around her.
"A story for a story," she said a little harsh and looked up at him, wiggled herself out of his embrace to place her still hot coffee on the night stand. "Now you're gonna tell me what's going on."
Bucky shook his head.
"You're tired, sweetheart," he said and patted on the bed. "You should take some rest."
"Bucky." He ignored her tone. She was going to lose her temper if he didn't speak up soon.
"Really, Grace, it's not a problem. I just... missed you." He smiled and didn't reach his eyes. The sparkle that slowly started to come alive these months with her, was not there to be seen.
He wasn't doing well.
Nevertheless, Grace still laid down and reached out for him. With a painful look in his eyes he slowly crawled down, and instead of cupping her up, Grace had other plans.
She wrapped her arms around him and placed his head upon her chest. She planted a kiss on the top of head and sighed. Distracted she went with her fingers through his hair - he needed to take a shower. Grace wrapped her legs around his own. Completely embraced by her.
"A story for a story," she reminded him at a whisper tone. "I told you what happened tonight, now it's your turn."
His beard had grown a lot, and brushed against her skin when he shook his head.
"I can't," he whispered and he sounded torn. "I'm sorry. But I can't."
Grace furrowed her eyebrows.
"Can't you try?"
Bucky's silent told her enough.
"Why not?" An unfortunate feeling started to creep up on her and she mustered some thin courage to ask him: "Don't you want to tell me?"
She could feel that he closed his eyes, and his hand clenched to a fist, full of fabric of the sheets. "It's just..." He desperately searched for the right words and Grace wished she could look inside his head so she knew what was going on in that mess. "It's just terrible to wake up in my state and see that I'm alone."
She automatically wrapped her arms tighter around him.
"Did you?" Grace cautiously asked. "Did wake up tonight?" It happened often, most of the time it was innocent, nothing truly bad going on. And if it was a nightmare, or a bad dream, Bucky always found a way to go to sleep again. It always took him some time - sometimes even hours, but he succeeded. Because Grace was with him.
"I did." He sighed. "And I really needed someone, I didn't feel... well, safe."
"And why was that? You know nothing can happen to us." She went with her fingers through his hair again. Outside a goat made a noise for attention.
Neither of them reacted nor cared.
"I know." Another deep sigh. "But when I woke up it was like I came out of cryo again. It felt like that."
"Cryo?" she asked and she was happy that Bucky could talk about it now. It was like he read her thoughts. He kept his mouth shut now. Grace could suppress her sigh of irritation.
"James."
He heard her tone; pushing him to talk. Bucky knew, no matter what was bothering him, she would try to help him. Because he did the same with her.
Grace was more stable and mentally healthy than Bucky, but also she needed to heal. After two years she finally allowed herself to grief over her father, no matter what kind of man he was.
She missed Kathie. Tom's absence in any kind of communication left a wound she created herself. And Bucky's return, accepting that he was in love with her after what he did to her, was sometimes still confusing.
And everyone knew what Bucky was going through.
They were each other's cure. And like most of time, talking was the best way to let go of the pain.
"I had a really bad nightmare, and when I woke up I thought I was at HYDRA, ready to be assigned to an assassination again. And I just couldn't bear it." His voice was unsteady, his muscles tensed. Like he didn't dare to move, barely breathe even.
"I didn't feel safe because I didn't know where I was. I knew you were with me, but the bed was empty and I just panicked. I've been walking around the whole night until the sun came up. Then I fell back asleep again." Bucky let out a long sigh. Grace didn't know if it was relief or something else.
She didn't dare to ask what he dreamt about; every time she asked he told her that some things weren't meant to be told, even though she wanted him to.
It was hard to tell if it was a really bad memory, or he just didn't feel like it.
"I still don't feel very safe."
With all her strength Grace fought against the yawn, but she was so tired and Bucky was very warm, what was supporting the sleep to get over her. To take her in his warm arms and drift her to dreamland.
She did not like it that he said that and wanted to comfort him as best she could right now.
"It's okay," mumbled Grace and her eyes started to close again. God, she was so tired. "I'm here now." Dammit, she yawned during that sentence.
Bucky moved a little bit up, so his face rested in her neck. "I'm tired, too," he whispered against her skin and closed his eyes.
"You're safe," said Grace at a muted tone. "We are safe. And..." She took a deep breath, ready to yawn which she suppressed, even though she already held the hand of the sleep. "And I love you."
Grace didn't even really notice that she said it. But Bucky immediately was awake, like he drank three cans of coffee. His body was alert and his heart pounded hard in his chest - he thought it was going to fly out. His blood raced through his veins, warm and alive.
His breathing became heavy, and when the words sank into his mind, he was able to react.
And for the first time in very long hours, very long nights and days, very long years, his mind became silent. Peaceful.
"I know," he whispered. "And I am grateful for that."
But Grace already slept.