Estrogen

College Friendships

I can't find my instagram best friend. You know those you see on your newsfeed. Those who are on each others snap story. Those who seem to be enjoying every second. Every moment ,somehow , turns into an epic youthful movie-like adventure that needs to be captured on camera. Those who have pictures together laughing so hard with their heads tilted back and their eyes shut from laughter. Those who go on spring break vacations to Cancun. Those who always seem to be at the same location on snapmap...... Yeah those ones.

Coming to college, everyone told me , "the friends you make here are lifelong friends." "This is the time to make valuable friendships", they said. I was pumped. Walking in with my chest wide open, I was so eager to make those friendships. I would go out of my way to club events , parties that I didn't belong to what so ever, and boy was I out of my comfort zone. See in life I'm an overachiever. You give me a task and you better know damn well that I am going to finish it , and finish it well. I was always an A* student. So as a freshmen they told me that my task was to make friends. I had a plan, a mental checklist of all the possible ways that I would find "my people" . By the end of the year , I had so many 'friends'. I was one of the most popular people on campus. If they haven't personally met me, they would've atleast heard of me. I congratulated myself on my achievement . But I quickly realized that it wasn't a numbers game.
Sophomore year I was going to form valuable relationships. And I kind of did. Yes we were not the perfect instagram bunch , and yes they weren't totally "my people". But atleast I found people to hangout with. I would never be alone. And that's what friendship is all about right? To never be alone? At Least that's what I thought a year ago.

They all left. Oh don't be surprised you didn't skip a pargraph . You read it right. They all left. Don't worry no one died in a tragic bus acciedent that took all my friends away. But ironically it was a bus that took all the students from my campus , up to the main campus which was in a totally different city that was 5 hours away. I ,however, chose to stay because it was better for my academics.

Starting my junior year, I'm not going to lie, I was scared. No I  was terrified. I was scared of being alone. I'm an extrovert by the book. So I made it a point to restart my freshmen year and make new friends again. This time ;however, it came across as aggressive.  I went into my class and bluntly introduced myself. Everyone had to know my name! I mean after all I am miss popular. I added them on Facebook , and I made a groupchat. I laughed harder at people's jokes, talked louder, and tried to be funnier than I was. It was all the opposite of organic. I met this girl that I thought 'oh my god maybe that's the one!'. I wanted to live that instagram fantasy. I took insta stories . God did we look like fun in these. The Olsen sisters would have been so jealous of us. We went on college trips together, yes it wasn't Cancun and yes it was only a 1 day trip. But that wasn't going to prevent me from recreating my perfect friends trip. We slept on each other's shoulders. Shared an ear phone. Oh gosh and I even tried so hard to make a deep meaningful conversation that I pulled up New York Times " 36 questions to fall in love." Yes I did that , and please don't judge me because I am sitting here cringing already.
When you're wanting someone to be something they're not , and trying so hard to make yourself believe it , sooner or later you will be able to see through them. And God was I up for a surprise . Spoiler Alert: not a pleasant one.
Turns out she's a very dry person , meaning that conversations don't simply flow , you need a strong push to get it started , and Santa's big fat reindeers to keep it going. Ohh and she's also not the nicest and will talk about m to other people.

We slowly grew a part. Actually 'grew apart' makes it sound that the wind somehow made us drift apart slowly . Let me tell you , mother nature had no hand in this. After I knew how a terrible person she was, I decided that enough was enough. She started befriending this other girl and they slowly started resembling Cinderella's ugly step sisters. I was so hurt from this friendship one would think that I just came out of a break up or something. But looking bad at it now, it wasn't that bad. I just had too much expectations in her that she couldn't possibly fulfill.

I met this other 2 girls that I thought were always nice. I got a long with Angelica so much , way more than Marissa. One of them even told me that she wanted to be friend the moment she saw me. But one important part of this story is that she was intoxicated. I hung up to that sentence so much. She wanted to be my friend? I wanted to be yours! I ,then started pretending that we were always those tight irreplaceable conjoined twins. I would ask Marissa and Emma about her as if I already know everything about her life. Granted she would 98% of the time , talk about the problems she has with her boyfriend...wait no "friend"..okay it's complicated. It was never really about me or how I was feeling. But I honestly couldn't care less. I would ask her about her complicated partner , and acted like I was this love guru just so we still keep coming back. I would try to involve us in stories to forcefully be part of the picture, She already had an old glamours picture frame with Marissa , but I somehow butted in to try so hard to be part of it. I just wanted to feel like I was part of this cool squad'. I even posted a picture of us. We are just so tight like that. You don't get it.

AHH Ahh Ahh .. She left.

The year ended, and in 3 months I will officially be a college senior! Yes you heard it. A senior! But what about those friendships. I haven't made any worthy ones. Oh my god what should I do? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe if I try harder or put myself out there someone will notice how great and fun I am to be around. I feel like I've been running a marathon , but there's no finish line. I just keep running and running and running, thinking maybe I've made it, if I just do this, if I just do that. But the truth is, I'm tired. I've been tired since last semester. I haven't even tried at all last semester. People are always you will get what you want when you're not looking for it. But I'm a go getter. I've always been that way. I work hard for what I want , and I eventually get it. Right? Isn't thats how its supposed to be?