listen before i go

t a k e m e t o t h e r o o f t o p

a.n if you didn't know, this is based off of a billie song, so go listen to it, the name of it is the same as the title of the book :) and i hate capitalizing words, so i that's on purpose.

also, trigger warning.

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l u k e:

god, i love him. his honey blonde curls glisten like, well, honey. they are so shiny and pretty that it makes the sun jealous. he's so sweet and caring, and his face is just so pretty and it makes me stare in awe. i just really love him. but he will never know. he can't know. it would ruin the whole foundation of trust in which i have built up with him. but just because he can't know, doesn't mean that i can't admire his good looks, or his muscles when he plays the drums. but my love for him just depresses me. i often cry thinking of him never liking me and dating someone else, because i've liked him since grade school. sometimes it gets so bad, that i take out blade, and cut thin, deep lines on my arms and legs. my blade is my pencil, and my canvas is my wrist. i create beautiful pictures of blood on my arms and legs, and they turn the water a deep, pretty shade of crimson. i sit in the water, until they stop bleeding and then i get out and dry off. today is one of those days.

i'll most likely go to school and be in pain. my heart aches like that of such a way that you feel it in your chest. a painful compressing feeling, grasping your heart in an iron grip, refusing to let go. you feel so deep in your body that it reverberates in your bones, your soul. it is like a small bird, wanting nothing but freedom, and each tie it desires and begs for escape from the cage in which is ensnared, it it refused. it keeps you up at the oddest of hours, crying and wondering when you pain tolerance will fail to work, and if it will ever cease.  and there is nothing that can be done. nothing at all, except to wait it out, maybe cry and listen to sad music. sit around and do nothing except wait. 

seeing ashton puts this pain in my chest. and it fucking hurts. so bad. i usually play it off with things like being tired, because he's my bestfriend. and i love him. he loves me too, but not in the same way. the feelings aren't mutually reciprocated. they're all aware of my sexuality, after i had a bad breakup with my ex. that was 2 years ago. i was only 15, and he pulled me into shit a 15 year-old should never have to experience. he ended up dying by getting shot. and he was always drunk, he cheated, he was abusive both physically and mentally, and he still haunts me from the grave. but ashton, calum, and michael were there for me. and they stayed with me, even when i called them at midnight after a bad dream. 

life seemed to be a bad dream, but i will never wake up. 

 without you even knowing it, you're ripping my heart out and showing me what love is all about. but you don't know it. 

i sit on my bed, wrapped in a towel, and go over my often racing mind. my thoughts are a tornado of bleak images, threatening to spill over in the form of tears. my room is that of soft grays and whites, with the occasional splash of greenery, and the walls are littered with bands. my music stand and guitar both sit in the corner, untouched but clean. my bed is a soft gray sheet, with a black bed spread and white pillow cases. and it's very soft. sometimes at night, i dream of ashton holding me, never letting go, and loving me forever. but dreams are dreams and i'm told that boys aren't allowed to dream often. 

i get dressed and make the short drive over to school. i really regret coming today, because ashton is looking more gorgeous than my eyes can recall. but it's okay. i just put on a big, fake, happy smile and respond happily to anything they ask or say. but calum, can see what's wrong. he isn't stupid, and he knows me better than anyone else. we've been friends since we were born. our parents are best friends, and we live right next to each other. undoubtedly, he will ask what is wrong later. especially since i ride home in his car. and i think i can trust him enough to let him know. let him know i'm about to fuck up everything we've built up with michael and ashton. and this weekend, whenever they come to my house, i'll play-act like always. i'll be okay, but inside, my heart feels like shattered glass, covering every inch of the inside of my body. 

i go through the entire school day like this, dreading my soon-to-happen conversation with calum. i don't want it to happen. but it should, because he deserves to know. and he will. i start thinking, and my anxiety gets the best of me. i have to tell myself to stay calm, and to breathe. and before i know it, school is over. 

i sit in calum's car, and prepare myself for what's to come. and he's obviously thought of our entire conversation, because he looks as though he has a million thoughts running though his mind. so before he can even start, i do.

"before you ask, no, i'm not okay." i say, already putting half our our conversation behind us.

"okay, i already know this, but it doesn't help that you act like you are, and that everyone except for me believes you." he retorts, obviously unhappy with my play-acting.

and it hurts. what he said. because it's way more than true. it's so obvious that what i'm trying to do isn't working. and his honesty is why i need to do better.

"i know, and i'm sorry, but sometimes this happens. you know me better than anyone." i replied, a sad expression laid across my face.

"you said i know you better than anyone, and right now it feels like i don't know you at all. would you please just tell me what going on?" he said, with a face full of anxiety.

"i'm in love with ashton, cal."

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a.n so this was 1080 words, so i hope you enjoy.  i know starting a new story is dumb, but i like this plot a lot, and my writing has improved as well as my update period, so i'm doing it. 

i've changed in so many ways, and this is going to show you that. a lot of stuff in this book is based off of things i've been through since my last actual book. i've changed so much, and i'd like to thank my best friend madison for that. 

@GingerbreadBby     is her username

i love you so much <3

-keirra