I can no longer tell the beginning from the end. There are so many days I ask myself where is the pain supposed to go. At first I had one request for God, I asked him to cleanse me from my past. When that didn't work I had one request to God, I asked him to make these days my last. I still haven't found an answer. I stumble numbly through my days wondering if I've been forgotten. If he can't do either for me then who can. What am I supposed to do when I spend everyday living on a numbing edge. A thin line between life and living or is it a thin line between dying and death. I prayed for him to take the pain away and I must admit it is gone but now I don't feel anything. I'll fade away, just like the scars from many bloody nights past. I deserved everything and now I deserve nothing that's how this works. I lay every night and everyday hoping that one day I'll just disappear. My soul is threadbare. My lungs threaten to collapse each breath I take but I do it anyway. And then sometimes I feel like my body is chained to this world. I find myself wishing a lot that I would just take off, but I can't; I cannot ascend because I've got shackles on my feet and chains on my neck. I'm a slave to my own mind and everyone else's. In their head, I live as they want me to live; in my head, I live as I've never wanted to live. I find myself wishing a lot, that I wouldn't live at all. Every day that I wake up and everything is the same, I feel my soul wither a little bit more. Every day that I wake up and nothing is the same, I find myself wishing that I was the same, person that I used to be: a character from better times past. I yearn for the days where tears would flow from my eyes freely. I yearn for the days that I laughed freely, that I loved freely. I don't know what to do anymore, how to act, I never do. I want to do a disappearing act... dissipate into nothing. And with me, I'll take my stain on this world; hopefully, my existence too; knowledge of me will have never even existed. Not even a blank black hole where I used to be.
