DreamCity

Part 20

I've been giving myself pep talks all day, but I've just decided at this very moment that I'm going to indulge myself and go ahead and have a pity party.  I can't believe I haven't received one callback from any of the auditions I've been going out on!

Sometimes I just want to say, "Tell me what you want. I can be that person."  It's just so hard not to take it personally.  At the end of the day, I just wonder if I'm not good enough.  It sounds stupid seeing as how I just finished the play...but now the play is old news and all I have lined up is Collin's film, which was pushed back to next week for some reason.  It's not like I'm getting paid though...

Simon's friend finally got back to me about Tyler's contracts.  He made a few minor amendments.  I'm going to sign and send them back.  Hopefully Tyler will be able to stir things up for me.

September 14

As if my life couldn't get any worse any faster.  I got a wedding invitation in the mail from one of my "friends" from high school.  We're pseudo friends.  We're kissy-kissy in public, yet subtly we always try to one-up one another.  The only reason why our friendship has lasted this long is that we take explicit pleasure in hearing about the other's pitfalls.  Unfortunately, Cass has been getting a lot more enjoyment since my life is running like a home video right about now.  Cheap, badly scripted and BORING!  Anyway, we made this bet to see who would be married first by the time we turned 30. We share the same birthday - so much for astrology - she's a bitch.

We made this stupid bet when we were sophomores in high school.  I still have a chance if I can find a guy and do a quickie wedding in Vegas.  Hahaha.  It's not that I want to get married right now, I just want to win.  Or better yet, I just want Cass to lose.   Her wedding is going to be in December back in Jersey.  If I go to her wedding, then I can't go to the high school reunion in November.  Won't worry about it right now.

September 15

Saw Cynda today.  She was sitting in my doorway when I came back from the grocery store.  It was kind of weird...I wasn't sure what to say to her at first.  As we talked, I just felt myself getting angry over how phony we were acting.  She almost died the other day.  Finally I just told her what was going on in my head.  This whole week, I've been feeling really messed up because I didn't know she was on drugs.  We're supposed to be friends, I'm always spilling my guts to her about my stupid men problems and she couldn't even confide in me about something so major in her life.  So it's like our friendship was this sham. It didn't exist the way I thought it existed. It was all in my head.

She looked at me and she just laughed...no, it was more like a chuckle.  Then she asked, "Why does everything have to be about you?"  And she just walked out.  Now I feel even more messed up and I don't have anyone to talk to.  Q's not around; he's visiting his family back in Detroit.

I don't know what to think anymore.  Things aren't happening as quickly as I want them to career-wise, so it's hard not to focus in on things as though the earth revolves around me.  My life isn't going the way I planned...aren't I allowed to be self-involved?

September 16

I had lunch with Tyler at the Ivy, an old school hang out for the moneyed denizens of Hollywood.  It was cool.  Tyler knows just about everyone.  Our table was like a revolving door, every five minutes or so someone would come up to Tyler and chat with him.  Everything's a go.  I officially have a manager now.  

Anita got a job offer (finally).  She's going to work for Johnson & Johnson in their finance department.  I don't know what the hell she does, I just know that Mommy said she's going to be making close to six figures.  Speaking of overweight people, I have finally lost my full 5 lbs. 

I've been trying to work out like crazy.  Kandi's still not a 100%, so she hasn't been to the gym lately.  She seems happy with her two new friends.  She said she had a callback for the soap.  The role is for a character that's only in town for a few weeks, just enough time to wreck a few lives.  I used to have a dream of being on either One Life to Live or All My Children and then the unthinkable happened...they were pulled from the network. Was nothing sacred?

I've decided to get out of my head and volunteer at a group home for troubled teens.  My orientation is in two weeks.  Once completed, I get to teach an acting workshop for six weeks.  I definitely want to give back to the community and to make a difference in someone's life. 

I'm going to apologize to Cynda.  I've been thinking about what she said and she's right.  She already has enough problems without me feeling as though I were left out of some big secret, even though I was...just saying.  Her reasons for not telling don't really matter at this point.  She needs to concentrate on getting better.  Now that the blinders are off, I noticed just how thin she had become.  That heroin chic thin. 

Most of us have dabbled in that experimentation stage, but we move on.  I don't know why she got stuck.  I'm not sure what to say.  I want to be helpful, but I just don't want to say the wrong thing.  I just want to be a good friend.

Simon and I are going out to dinner this evening.  He's picking me up in an hour.  I'm glad.  Gives me less time to get stuck in my head.  I'm going to say a prayer for Cynda and hopefully things will work out.