DreamCity

Part 7

May 19

I went to the audition on my lunch hour.  I came back and fired my agent.   So mad right now, I can't even write straight! 

May 21

I had to take a couple of days to get over the humiliation and to rethink a few things.  The audition was a hot mess.  I got to this address on Wilshire in Beverly Hills, and I thought to myself, cool.  It seemed like an upscale type of place.  There weren't that many other girls in the waiting room and the director and producer were able to see me right away.  "It's not a cattle call," they explained to me.  The director, Kurt, he's the usual director type, was dressed in jeans, t-shirt and self-importance.  They liked my headshot, and they wanted to tape me dancing...with my shirt off.  Dennis didn't tell me it was a video that required nudity.  I choked.  Kurt was like, "Are you going to take your top off?"  I just grabbed my purse and left.  I'm an actor.  I've done plenty of theater back East.  I have a college degree in theater.  (Yes, that's what I have to keep telling myself in order to get up each morning.)

When I called Dennis, he said, "It's a really hot group."  Some alternative rap group and it could really jumpstart my career.

"Look at Courtney Cox. She did a Springsteen video," he said.

"Yeah, but that was like 40 years ago."

"You really wouldn't be nude. You'd have on a bikini top," he goes on to tell me.  Like that makes a difference.  It shouldn't be a big deal, right?  I mean plenty of actresses have to do stuff they don't feel comfortable with in order to make it to the top...I told Kandi about it and she was like, "What's the big deal?  It's only nudity.  It's not like they're asking you to do porn." Spoken like a casting couch vet. Maybe Arden's right about me.

I have to go home.  I have to get some sanity in my life.  I spoke to my dad and he said he would loan me the money for a ticket home.  I hope he comes through.  He sounded like he would.

May 23

i'm supposed to go out with collin tonight.  i don't think i'm going to be able to make it.  i've been in bed all weekend.  i haven't crawled from underneath these covers since friday except to go to the bathroom.  Bio donor of a father called me back yesterday.  our conversation was just another rerun of other conversations.                      

- baby girl, i'm sorry, i'm not going to be able to give you the money for your ticket, sasha has tuition due and micheal needs braces...

-i'm your kid too. 

-lydia doesn't understand why you're almost 30 and don't have a real job. 

-tell lydia that she lost all rights to question my decisions when she stole you from mom.  you know what?  just forget i even asked you for anything.  just forget you even have a daughter. 

what does he think?  i don't know my life sucks right now?  he thinks i like having to ask him for money?  does he think i like hearing about all of my friends buying their first homes or planning their weddings while i'm eating ben & jerry's coffee toffee crunch for dinner?  sometimes i believe it would be so easy if i went back to a regular 9-5 type of deal.  a regular life.  none of this girl friday crap.  i'd get a paycheck every week, my bills would be paid, i could go shopping and actually keep the stuff i buy.  but i would hate it.  everyday i would feel like i sold a piece of my soul and i would become this person that was part of the herd.  and even though i've been crying all weekend and i've used up all of my toilet paper (cause I can't afford tissue and paper towels right now), i know that if i just hold it together long enough, i'll make it through.  this is just a rough patch.  i'm going to get a gig, maybe a tv show.  something's got to give.

May 24

Collin's so sweet.  When I didn't answer my phone, he stopped by my place.  I looked crazy.  Bloodshot eyes, serious bed head and body odor. I looked like I belonged on one of those Intervention shows.  He didn't even care.  He came inside, and we sat on my bed and watched TV.  I tried to hold it together and managed to just sniffle instead of the full on bawling I had been doing. Let's face it, tears are man repellent. They'd rather gnaw off their arm than sit around and listen to a woman cry. To his credit, he made a tissue run 'cause I was cleaned out and even brought back some other things from the grocery store.  I guess he figured I needed it when he saw the lone apple sitting in my refrigerator.   

Today, I spent a few hours reading the trades, Variety, BackStage and the Hollywood Reporter, at the coffee shop down the street from my house.  It's a dive, but they have really cheap, really greasy food.  Reminds me of the diners back home. 

My mom called me and offered to loan me the money to come home for a little while.  "You can get a real nice teaching job out here, honey; all you have to do is to take the test and get your credentials."

"I don't want to be a teacher."  She knows I would hate being around brats all day everyday.

  "Well, sometimes what we want and what we have are two different things.  What do you have out there?"

"Hope," I told her. I decided I'm not going to go back home.   What can she tell me about dreams?  She's had the same job for 24 years.  How could she possibly relate to how I'm feeling?

After the coffee shop, I drove out to Venice Beach and went blading.  It was that perfect type of Southern California day.  A lush blue sky, no clouds, a slight breeze coming off the ocean and for a moment, I felt like I was invincible.  I got home and Kandi had left me a message.  She got a commercial from that workshop she signed up for, some national spot that's going to be shot this week.  I'm happy for her.  Really.