Biker Love

Fifteen

I take a deep shakey breath and smooth out my black dress for the hundreth time.
Dont cry. Dont cry. I plead with myself.
'I could get through this' i tell myself but i knew it was a lie. One look at my heart broken mother mourning her child and id be a goner.
Today was for my family, i needed to take care of them as we lay my brother to rest.
They had ruled the accident as that, an accident and he was the only fatality.
Today, my brother would have been twenty but instead, he's about to be put in the ground and the thought was just cruel.
'You ready?' Jacob asks. I had been pushing Jacob away but he knew why and he pushed back but he gave me the space i needed.
'Am i ready to bury my brother?' I ask him 'No, i will never be ready but let's go'
The club had been a massive support for us all and i was greatful for everything theyve done.
I take Jacobs hand and he holds it tightly as we walk out to the car.
I sit in the back with my sister and hold her hand. She had been a zombie since it happened. She rests her head on my shoulder and i force myself not to cry.
I had made the arrangements. It was too hard for mom and dad. Mom picked from brochers and i went and did everything for her.
The stalker had vanished since then also. I had almost forgot about him but it only made me realise that it had to be someone close to us. They were grieving right now too which meant one of two things. He will either go into hiding while he grieves or he will kill me or get violent to cope.

~~~~~

The service was amazing and i managed to make it through only crying once and now we were at the club house for the reception thing.
'You ok dear?' I force a smile and nod to my Aunt Talia. She wasnt my real Aunt but she was moms best friend.
'Ill be ok' i tell her 'Im worried about mom'
'One of her babies just died honey, she just lost part of her soul, give her time'
'She will never be the same will she?' I ask as my eyes find her in the corner, alone. 'Somethinh died within her'
'No, she wont be' Talia tells me 'You're very brave'
'Why?' I frown.
'For being the strong one' she rubs my back but i shrug away 'I know you think you need to be strong and need to close yourself off but its not healthy babe'
'If im not the strong one then who is?' I ask her 'My family is broken and and i just need to get them through this part'
'But what about you?' Talia asks 'You were there when it happened, whos getting you through this?' Talia was a shrink.
'Just let me handle it the way i am' i snap 'Everyone grieves differently so dont you try and shame me for the way i am coping'
'You need to talk to someone'
'You need to fuck off' i tell her bluntly. I knew this wasnt healthy, i knew i was bottling it up and i knew it would explode but i am managing it, Mom cant be strong and neither can Dad and Neikyler wouldn't know how. 'We just burried our brother, son, friend on his birthday, on his twins birthday, i should be the least of your concern' and i walk away.
I find Neikyler and take her hand 'I have something for you' i tell her. She follows me to the car and i pull out the bag. 'Codi got me to hold onto it so you wouldn't find it' i tell her. She perks at the mention of Codi. 'Happy birthday' i say softly.
'You're the only one who has said that to me today' she tells me as she peeks inside the bag. 'Thank you'
'You can talk to me' i tell her. 'Even if you think ots stupid' i assure her.
'I know' she nods 'Im sorry'
'For what?' I frown.
'For not being strong enough like you' she says as tears run down her face 'Im meant to be the big sister but yet i cant get hold of my emotions long enough to give you a break from being the grown up'
I wanted to cry.
'You shared a womb with him, a birthday, he was your twin, you deserve to mourn and mom and dad lost a child, they need to mourn too, someone has to be strong' my voice breaks but i refuse to cry.
'But why does it have to be you?' She asks 'I wish i was as strong as you'
'Most of the people probably think im heartless for not crying' i joke.
'I dont think that and i know mom and dad dont'
'We should get back in here' i suggest. She nods and takes her gift with her.
I was sick of the condolences and the pity. I just wanted this to be over.

~~~~

Finally, everyone leaves and after Jacob and i clean up, we head back to his place.
He helps me out of my dress and I slide on one of Jacobs shirts  'I gave Neik her present from Codi today' i tell him.
'Yeah?' He asks prompting for more. 'Im the only one who said happy birthday to her'
'Really?' He asks shocked 'Not even your mom?'
'It would have been hard for her, having to bury her son on his birthday and say happy birthday to her living daughter at the same time but its still shitty for Neikyler' i climb into bed and face away from Jacob like every night for the past week.
He wraps an arm around me and pulls me in, holding me tight. 'I love you' Jacob tells me 'I hate seeing you like this'
'I love you too' i tell him. He had been amazing through this. He was my rock, even though i tried to push him away, he stuck by me and kept me afloat when all i wanted to do was drown. I turn in his arm and look at him. 'Thank you'
'For what?' He asks.
'For being you and not leaving me when i tried to make you'
'Im not going anywhere' he promises and kisses the tip of my nose.
I had to keep my emotions burried for a week which meant i couldntet myself love Jacob because if i felt that kind of emotion then my walls would crumble and i wouldnt have been able to make it through today.
I press my lips against his softly. It was just a small innocent kiss but then i did it again and it lingered and i let my walls down.
The emotions flooded me and i was so thankful for Jacob holding me.
He let me break and for this, i will forever be greatful because Talia was right, it was going to explode and it would hit me harder if i didn't feel the pain that i had kept inside. So in this moment, i let myself feel it. Just for tonight i would feel the pain and then tomorrow i would build my wall again.