I haven't been back in a while, I'm sorry about that.
[2:10 AM]
Promotions have been busy, what with our new tour and the comeback.
[2:14]
I feel really guilty that I haven't sent you a message these past months, but looking at your contact is still painful for me. I've been really busy, though, as you must have seen from where you are.
[2:15]
How are you doing?
[2:16]
I'm doing fine, I guess. Nothing new, nothing special.
[2:17]
You told me to move on once. You told me to find someone better for me, someone, who would kiss my scars and leave me feeling better.
[2:20]
I guess you already know. I haven't moved on. It's hard. I mean, what exactly do you say to someone who you used to love, someone who was more than part of your life, they were part of you? What do you do to try to move on from that sunny smile and beautiful laugh? What do you do when you try to forget all those whispered conversations in the dark we'll never have?
[2:30]
I'm being sentimental again. You probably don't want to hear that. But in a way, I guess I have moved on. If you can consider a room a person. Which I'm sure you don't.
[2:31]
I couldn't stand to see that new trainee in your bed, using things that you had used before. I'm sorry, that sounds really petty and even I realise that. It sounds selfish, it sounds greedy, it sounds like I'm making you some object, some possession.
[2:32]
But I guess life has to move on. Do you like the new room? I've got one all to myself. Taeyong let me move into his spare room when he realised what was going on. It's not that I don't like Jungwoo and Chenle, it's not that at all. They're actually really nice.
[2:33]
Every single time I saw Jungwoo in your room though, I felt like it was some invasion of privacy. I sound like an idiot, don't I? Like they were breaking into your room and all the memories that came with it. And I don't know. I felt incredibly uncomfortable with it because how do you move on so easily?
[2:34]
They are incredibly nice people. Respectful and always on the lookout for ways they can help the group, but it's a shame SM had to put them in your room. I felt betrayed, somehow.
[2:35]
I guess you know everything now. Even if I haven't moved on from you, I've been trying, so so hard. So hard. So that you'll be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint you, even in your death. Have you seen the dates I've been on? Ha, I knew you wouldn't like the third one, you would have thought that his laugh was weird. I thought so too.
[2:40]
And it sounds incredibly selfish when I say this, but I guess it's true. I haven't moved on. None of them struck the right cord. They're all kind and funny and beautiful and are everything I could ever want, but
[2:41]
I don't know how to explain it. None of them fit me like you do. Did. I can't explain it. It's like when you're tuning an instrument and then suddenly you find the right chord and suddenly everything is right with the world. None of them hit my chord dead on. No one except you.
[2:50]
I miss you, Sicheng, but I hope you've moved on. Even if I haven't, I hope you have. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are.
[3:00]
I like to think we'll meet eventually. Maybe, when this is all over and I can come and fly up to the stars with you.
[3:10]
But who am I kidding? You're dead because of me. Aren't you? Because I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most.
[3:15]
When this is all over, I know where I'll be. And it won't be with you.
[3:16]
You must despise me. I hate myself too. Ha.
[3:18]
Please, don't forget me, love. No matter where I end up, whether or not I'm with you. Please don't forget me.
[3:25]
Until then, though, I must learn to live without seeing you.
[3:30]
It's been this hard thus far. I can't imagine life without you.
[3:31]
I love you, Sicheng.
[3:40]
I have always loved you.
[3:41]
Here's the thing, love.
[3:50]
Ever since you left me, I haven't been afraid anymore.
[3:52]
When I look into the night sky, you shine so brightly, just like you never were able to in life to anyone but me.
[3:53]
And I kind of hate sharing your light, but I kind of enjoy it as well. You deserve that much.
[3:54]
You deserve to be happy.
[3:55]
And guess what, Sicheng?
[4:00]
When I look into the night sky, I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. Even though it presses against me and sometimes panic threatens to drown me.
[4:01]
As you said, love. The moon is there in the sky for a reason.
[4:10]
The number you are messaging has been deactivated.
