Monsters and Men

4. Letting Go

“Can we not fight? You know, half the time we're fighting, I don't know what we're fighting about. We're just butting heads. Sammy, I, I've made some mistakes. But I've always done the best I could. I just don't want to fight anymore, okay?”

There was a moment’s silence, and then Sam asked, “Dad, are you all right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm just a little tired. Hey, son, would you, uh, would you mind getting me a cup of caffeine?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Sam nodded, still frowning in confusion as he left. John didn’t look any happier, and Dean picked up on it. Lacey just leaned against the wall, letting them have their last moments – even if Dean didn’t know it.

“What is it?” Dean asked.

“You know, when you were a kid, I'd come home from a hunt, and after what I'd seen, I'd be, I'd be wrecked. And you, you'd come up to me and you, you'd put your hand on my shoulder and you'd look me in the eye and you'd . . . You'd say "It's okay, Dad".” There was a pause, as tears tried to spill from John’s eyes but he held them in, “Dean, I'm sorry.”

“What?” Dean asked, confused.

“You shouldn't have had to say that to me, I should have been saying that to you. You know, I put, I put too much on your shoulders, I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that, and you didn't complain, not once. I just want you to know that I am so proud of you.”

“This really you talking?” Dean asked, tearing up himself.

“Yeah. Yeah, it's really me.”

“Why are you saying this stuff?”

John moved closer, placing a hand lightly on Dean’s shoulder, Lacey looked away, her eyes burning and she took a shaky breath.

“I want you to watch out for Sammy, okay?”

“Yeah, dad, you know I will. You're scaring me.”

“Don't be scared, Dean,” John said, then leaned down to his eldest son’s ear and whispered something that left Dean horrified. “Lacey, can i talk to you?”

Lacey followed John to his room, letting the tears fall, no longer able to hold them back. She watched John place the colt on the table beside the bed, before he turned and stared in surprise at her expression.

“Usually my daddy does this,” she murmured, wiping at her cheeks, “But he isn’t here right now. So I’ll have to do it for him . . . John Winchester you Idgit, you stupid sorry son of a bitch.”

“Yeah, that’s what he’d say,” John laughed through his tears. “I didn’t think you remembered.”

“I can,” she admitted, “But i won’t tell Dean, not until he needs to know.”

“Thank you,” John said, pulling her into a hug. “No matter what happened between you and Dean, i always thought of you as family. You better go.”

“I’ll stay, thanks,” She smiled, pulling back but keeping a hold of his hand. “No one should die alone. Not someone who gave his lives for others.”

John nodded, as if trying to convince himself he was ready and then looked up and said, “Okay,” but it wasn’t aimed at Lacey.

Sam was only ten feet from his father’s door when he heard Lacey scream for help. He took the last few steps, seeing her on the floor, his dad in her arms and the coffee in his hand crashed to the floor.

“Dad?!” Sam exclaimed, “HELP!” he yelled as he rushed over, falling to his knees beside John and Lacey.

The doctors and nurses rushed in, Sam wrapped his arms around Lacey as they were led outside and Dean came rushing down the hall in crutches. The three of them watched the attempts to resuscitate John, but finally the doctor had to call it.