Lost In Time: A Doctor Who Fanfiction

Chapter 74 - A Long Overdue Talk

"I know that you started to address it while I was there, but several of my memories had to be hidden on my next jump, and those got buried along with them. You brought back my memories at the end, but most of what you said is still buried. Sorry," she added sheepishly. 

"Anyways, I do remember you telling me that part of the reason why I got all woozy towards the end was because Suki's death was a fixed point in time, and my connection to the Time Vortex meant that I felt the feedback from her still being alive first. And then I jumped to your future, and..." 

She shook her head. "That was an adventure all on its own. I can't tell you too much 'cause of spoilers, but let's just say that there was a creature that could melt your mind once it latched onto you, and..."

"It latched onto you?" the Doctor finished grimly when she didn't.

She nodded, remembering with a grimace how it had felt to have the Teller rooting through her memories and attacking her. "I think you saved me by putting me to sleep and putting up a mental wall or something to block my mental signature. It's obviously a little fuzzy." 

She sighed. "Anyway, moving on. People died, I was there for a little bit longer, and then jumped to that stupid hotel. I still can't believe I woke up to a giant chicken," she muttered in disgust. "Who's scared of giant chickens?"

The Doctor smirked, but didn't say anything, letting her concentrate.

"Right. You know most of what happened there," she waved a hand in the air. "Found a room filled with a freakin' giant spider and freaked out, met Rita and the others." She paused, chewing on her lip. This was where she started to really get honest. 

"Found my room," she admitted at last.

The Doctor squeezed her hand gently in encouragement.

She swallowed hard. "I know the room was supposed to show us what we feared most. And it did, I think. But... it also made me more afraid."

"Afraid of what?" the Doctor asked gently.

She bit her lip, not wanting to admit it. But... the whole point of this was so that they would talk to each other, and they couldn't exactly get anywhere if she refused to tell the truth. "Of - of everything, I guess," she admitted miserably. "What I saw, what it means, what you would think of me if I told you."

"Why would I think less of you for being afraid?" the Doctor asked, furrowing his brow in confusion. "Everyone is afraid of something, even if they're not willing to admit it. I'm scared of things. I had a room there, too."

"It's not so much what I'm afraid of, as it is what it meant," Lyssa admitted. "I told you that I was scared of the future, of who I'd become. Of losing who I am."

The Doctor nodded somberly. 

Lyssa squeezed his hand, trying to draw strength from his steady grip, and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping an arm around them. "In my room, there was a woman who looked like me, only a little bit older. She had my eyes, and mostly gold hair, like you told me could happen as my body adapts to the Time Vortex."

Her eyes glazed over as she remembered the way the woman had laughed, mocking the Doctor's pain. "But she was cold. Cold and hard. She laughed at the pain of others, and tried to cause more. She hurt you, and delighted in it. You tried to talk her out of it, and I... she... refused, telling you that I was gone, and that it was all your fault that she was there in my place."

She swallowed hard, blinking back tears. "She tried to kill people."

The Doctor's face filled with sympathy, but Lyssa forced herself to carry on, not looking him in the eyes for fear of what she might see.