Dereliction

It's funny, is it not? The very symbol of betrayal remains, but has morphed into something I simply cannot explain. He lays beside me this very night, our only connection. He could have cost me so much, you both could have cost me so much. Yet, just like the morning he was thrust into my life, he lays still near me. The very personification of pain and betrayal, the result of one night gone wrong, will never know what he is. Who he is, he will never understand. 

Fate, especially mine, has quite the temper. Or, could it be called a sense of humour? She is a cruel mistress, the small being that could have cost me and thousands everything now rallies on us to give him everything. He symbolises so much more than what he physically is. A child, one like any other. A blonde, blue eyed being who will never know those who gave him life. He could have cost so many so much, all because one of you was so sentimental -weak?- to let him go to a life far better than the one anybody -including me- could have given him. I do wonder what he could have had.

You were wrong, do you know? That night, you were both so wrong. It was wrong, not just to the three of us, but to him. Although innocent and blameless, no matter what I can do to help and support, he will face a life of scorn and neglect. Was it worth it? That night, those few moments of ecstasy, was it worth it? To trap one of you, to diminish the others' power in the worlds' eyes. Was it worth it? I will forever wonder what the answer is. But, as we all know, I will never know.

That morning, you were wrong. Both of them could have had a better life, away from the pain and betrayal of court. He would have been perceived as legitimate, have proper, -as far as everybody would have known- blood written lands and titles. A proper chance at life, the son of a Lord and Lady, status and respect. Now, what does he have? What will he have? His half brother and I, of course, but, truly, what will he, truly, have in this life? Those few months, maybe nine at most, were those worth it, husband? I am forever more unaware.

And her, she could have had so much more than what she held. Who knows, maybe she would still be alive? Although allegedly widowed -yes, I know about Remy-Julian and that debacle. If you can hear me, maybe she will tell you about it- she would have had a legitimate son, respect and her proper, blood written family. She knew nothing but scorn and neglect until Stephan. Your alleged mistress, two countries looking down at her, people talking behind her back. Just as him, you trapped her. I do wonder if she resented you for that, I would like to know.

I was wrong, too. What I did, I did out of blinded fear and love, a desperate girl. Looking back, it was wrong, knowing what those actions lead to, I did wrong. I don't want to attempt to justify what I did, you knew my reasons. Both of you did, that's what made the pain worse. I will spend forever seeing that night in this child that now will never know either of you, the two of you who died for me, trying to atone for that night. Some days I think you did, others I hate you for leaving me. 

You left me. Both of you. You left me. Although you were blindly loyal at the end, I do wonder if that, in itself, was worth it. All I can do is hope to prove to you that it was. The first, you died protecting me from those who would do me harm. The second died under the allusion of following my command. I know the lengths you both would have gone for me, and I am eternally grateful, I just hope that he will see why you did what you did. Why you left him as you did me.

The moment the first loss wracked my very being, I never thought I would lay my eyes on -what we thought- was the only piece of him we held. And now, I am all he will ever know. You left him to be for a reason, did you not? Both of you. I hope I will do you both proud, no matter what happened between us. No matter what pain and betrayal, love and loss, that got us to this point. Two petals falling, one remaining. All I can do is raise the young bulb to be a flower. Correct, yes?