The New National Anthem (Vic Fuentes fanfic)

Deniable Love

I raked my fingers through my hair, trying to take deep breaths. Of course, that didn't work, so I snatched the pack of cigarettes and lighter off the edge of my bunk, quickly walking off the bus. I didn't care that I was only wearing a baggy crewneck without a bra and spandex shorts with all the commotion of setting up for another day of Warped around me. Without even thinking about it I shoved a cig between my lips and lit it like I had whenever any emotion struck me too strongly. A sigh of relief escaped my lips with the smoke from my first drag, but I still felt anxious enough to pull out my hair. He had a fucking girlfriend. Probably has all summer. You know what, I was drunk and couldn't have understood him that night. No, it was all in my head. Fucking hell.

Squeezing my eyes shut tightly, I fought the urge to cry. I couldn't cry. I'm Katrina fucking Fuentes and I don't cry. Not now, and certainly not here with everyone around me. I hated to admit it, but it would be humiliating with being asked "What's wrong?" eighteen times. I tried to hold my composure, I really did, but it obviously wasn't enough since I heard that dreaded question.

"Oh my god Kitty, what's wrong?"

It was Jack Barakat. Lovely. I held my cigarette between my fingers, ready to tell him to go away.

"Nothing...it's just..." I took a deep breath to try and calm myself, deciding to let it all out "I like this guy...and he has a fucking girlfriend"

I didn't even give name to who he was, but Jack understood.

"C'mon"

I followed him over to All Time Low's bus, but instead of going in it, he led me behind it to an open trailer that I assumed was also ATL's. Jack sat down on the edge, leaning against a stack of boxes. I did the same, staring down at my bare feet, which were already covered in dirt.

Neither of us said anything for a couple seconds, until Jack broke the silence with something I'd heard a billion times.

"You shouldn't smoke those, you know"

"Yeah, and why's that? I'll die? We all do"

I took a final drag on my cigarette, dropping it on the dirt. However, since I wasn't wearing shoes, all I could do was stare at the smoldering cig that I'd smoked down to the filter. Jack cautiously stuck his sneaker out and rubbed it out. A bit of smoke escaped the tip of the mushed up cigarette, but nothing was in danger of being torched.

"Do you want to talk about?" Jack inquired, bringing up Blake, not even knowing his name

"I dunno. I feel stupid" I honestly felt like he had better things to do than to listen to a dumb 16 year old whine about a crush. I dug my fingernails into my thigh, using the pain as relief.

"You're not stupid. Is he on Warped?"

"No. I went to school with him, and he's my age. We were both drunk, and he said that he loved me, but I found out through a friend that he has a girlfriend. I probably just delusional"

"Nah, trust me; as a guy, we suck. Totally not worth being upset about, and he's probably just horny like most teenage guys but hasn't forgotten about you"

I smirked a little bit at the humor in Jack's response, but still kinda felt like shit. My nails had dug little crescents in my thigh from the anxiety I felt, and no amount of cigarettes or shots would subside the indescribable panic bubbling inside me.

Someone, probably Alex or something, yelled at Jack to "Get your ass over here", leaving him with no choice but to stand up and leave.

"Sorry, I gotta go. I'm always here if you still wanna talk though"

I nodded in response and Jack ran off, leaving me with myself. If I was in San Diego at home or whatever, I would just go run till I couldn't breathe or think, but that wasn't really an option here. My worrying over Blake had just built up into some kinda of combination of anger and sadness that needed to be released.

I snatched up the cigarette butt off the dirt, and although it wasn't burning, it was probably still hot. Squeezing my eyes shut and sticking out my scarred and burned wrist, I pressed the hot tobacco on my skin. I'm not gonna lie, it burned like, well, fire; but the relief and satisfaction that followed couldn't be duplicated. It was pain, and nothing was quite like it.

I could already see where a blister would be forming on my skin, and contemplated going back to the bus and sticking a band-aid on it, but that would only make it more obvious. Walking back to the bus anyway, I let the flattened cigarette slip between my fingers and back onto the dirt.

-----

Digging through my unbelievably messy bags, I located my pain pills and popped 3 for the hell of it. I wasn't really even sad anymore, or any emotion for that matter. It was just familiar and almost comforting to go to pain and substances, like a sense of home I could pick up at a gas station for 10 bucks.

"Is your head hurting?" dad had seen me take the pills

"Yeah" I lied easily

"Remember you're only supposed to take 1"

"Oh...yeah. Forgot, I guess"

Dad nodded and walked to the front of the bus, completely falling for the unconvincing lie. It honestly wasn't even a big deal.

Since I doubted anyone was on the bus, I searched through my bags again for the cleanest clothes I could find. I was beyond lazy when it came to laundry. My efforts produced a pair of black nike running shorts, whcih I'm pretty sure came from the kids section and a tight cropped olive green tank top that showed off my belly ring and hip dermals. And for the first time this summer, I put on makeup, for myself. Just mascara and a bit of smudged eyeliner, but it honestly felt better looking in the mirror. I let my hair hang down to my ass, the brown strands now adorned with almost blonde pieces from the sun. Just before leaving the bunk area, I tucked a metal business card case with three cigarettes and a mini bic lighter in my bra, knowing I'd smoke them at some point.

Tugging on my pair of beyond worn black nike freeruns left by the door that now even had a few bits a duct tape to hold them together. I didn't even get them new in the first place, they were hand-me-downs from one of my old room mates.

"You're still wearing those?" Dad asked, seeing the condition of my shoes

"Um, yeah? They still work"

"No, I'm gonna buy you some new shoes" He seemed pretty set on updating my shoe collection, and I really didn't care enough to argue

"Okay, I guess"

"Cara could probably find a mall and take you"

Well I'm sure she fucking could I thought, but only mumbled a response so I wouldn't have to think of actual words to say. Turning of my heels, I walked out the door, feeling a bit better than when I entered, though it was probably the pills. I hadn't even walked 10 feet before my phone vibrated.

Oh. It was Blake. Fuck it, I'm gonna have to do this sooner or later.

"What" I answered the phone without even a greeting

"Um hey. Look, Hayley called me and-"

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A/N:

Mwahaha! I'm just gonna leave it at that...until the next chapter! And yay for long chapters, even if it takes a month!

Much love,

Rachel