My Forever In Six Months

Chapter Ten - Stay Strong

Underneath all that layers of make up was a lady that looked like she was in her mid - forties going to her fifties. A lady that just couldn't accept that she was getting old.

Sure, I'd love to agree that this stuck up lady was better then my aunt, but heaven knows that even if she tried, she would never come close.

Don't get me wrong Aunt Alice is everything - she's a bad cook, a crazy person! But under all that crazy she is still her. No layers of make-up, just HER. She didn't hide the person she was, whether she felt strong in certain moments or weak in others.

And even though she went through so much, losing her husband, then losing her brother and then lastly, her favorite nephew she was still her.

Maybe she lost a lot, but she's never lost her integrity. Something that this lady just seems to lack by the looks of it.

"The doctor will you see," She said walking to the doctor's room as Aunt Alice and I followed her like two lost puppies.

"It seems that you have a tumor close to your abdomen." The doctor said, "We can do operation and take it out, but the damage is already done."

The damage is already done? What did he mean?

"What are you saying?" Aunt Alice asked.

"Well there's nothing we can do treat it. Maybe if she came in sooner we could of done something about it, but now it's way too late. All we can do is give her treatments and check up on her regularly. "

"So you can't fix this?" Aunt Alice asked her face full of hope.

"Support groups usually helps with these situations." He continued.

Breaking him off, "Can you fix this?" Aunt Alice asked tears filling her eyes.

"I'd suggest you let her do whatever she longs to do while she still has the time."

°°°

The drive back home was silent and longer then expected seeing that we were stuck in traffic. I kept on thinking about what he said.. He never answered her question. He just kept on blabbing about something else everytime aunt Alice asked him. Maybe his silence was an answer...

The fact that he couldn't answer Aunt Alice said everything, didn't it?

Heaven knows that I wanted this to be a dream, but realistically it wasn't a dream, it was just a living nightmare.

"We can do operation and take it out, but the damage is already done."

The damage was already done.

"I'd suggest you let her do whatever she longs to do while she still has the time"

He couldn't fix me, not because he didn't want to, but simply because there wasn't much that he could do about it.

I wanted to take back everything that I've said to aunt Alice, but remembering what she said I didn't want to, even though my lips craved to tell her how I really felt, my mind just couldn't.

She was just being herself again and I ruined that and now I've ruined it more.

No words could explain what I was feeling. All I could do was think about mom and aunt Alice. No thoughts just the two of them.

They've both lost so much and now they were losing me too, not all at once, but slowly.

How did James do it knowing that he'd have to leave  the people he loved behind and the people that loved him? He made it so easy, but now that I'm in his shoes I can feel that it isn't as easy as he made it seem.

I wanted things to be easy, but in reality you can't always get what you want. I wanted to be brave, but I wasn't capable of that. I wanted to be fearless, but that too was impossible, because I was afraid. And lastly I wanted to be strong, but knowing that I was the cause to everything that was going wrong, I didn't want to be strong, not because my heart and soul doesn't desire to be, because trust me it does. But in the same time I know that it needs to grieve and right now as badly as I wanted to be strong, that wasn't the best thing.

I needed to hit my head against the wall for a hundred times and tell myself, "I've messed up.", I needed to scream, "Why me?", because I wasn't ready for this and the worst part was that I had to be. I wanted to cry oceans, not that I haven't been crying, but simply because I haven't cried enough.. I haven't cried everything out of my system and that's what I needed. And knowing the truth - Even if I cried oceans, the hurt in my heart was endless.

I wanted to be brave, fearless and strong, but I needed to be reckless, afraid and weak. Maybe oneday I'd fulfill those things, but right now I knew that I couldn't.

Looking to Aunt Alice that seemed to have lost the happy glow on her face, I didn't know what to say.

"What now?" She asked with tears filling her eyes..

"Stay strong, I guess."

Funny, isn't it? How we tell the people we love to be brave in moments that we aren't. How we tell the people we love to be strong when we too are incapable of doing it.