story review shop [[ discontinued ]]

7/10: 24 hours

24 hours by @naburrito

Eden Bohmer has 24 hours left to spend with her best friend Terrence Cho before she moves away to start a new life.

Terrence Cho has 24 hours left to tell his best friend Eden Bohmer that he's in love with her and to convince her to stay.

COVER: The cover is really cute, I like the melting popsicle and that light blue color, but it's giving me Shades of Blue vibes, if that makes sense? It just feels like something I've seen before -- which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.

GRAMMAR: I mean, you started it off with messages. I can't really judge the grammar too much. The emojis kinda iff me a little bit but it's whatever.

The second chapter was flawless. No tense slips (which I personally know can be tricky, especially in first-person), no punctuation issues that I can see (stan the long dashes, btw), and no spelling issues. I would reword a few things here and there as they kind of had me rereading to see if I misunderstood, but other than that, cool. Third chapter had itty bitty mistakes, like a line break in between a paragraph and some repetition in sentence structure (i.e. Although, I ate breakfast... However, he watched... At first, we talked..., etc.) that made the flow a little more difficult to read than before, so I'd watch out for that. Also, I'd italicize rather than capitalize for emphasis. (i.e. ...that THE Terrence Cho... would look better as ...that the Terrence Cho...) It's a little more clean this way and less like you're texting somebody about it, get me? I

CONTENT: Right off the bat, it's cute. I'm assuming this is like a chat-story? The two characters in your description are introduced, the problem (her moving away) is introduced, and the popsicle-date is a nice reference to your cover- or is it the other way around? They sound like kids, though? Their conversation so far is so playful.

01:00 was a cute one, I liked it. It wasn't texting anymore (thank goodness) and it wasn't cheesy or overdone. Very nice. One conflict in and out of the bag, and already we can see the insecurity Terrence has of being replaced. 01:30, I love the nostalgia in this one. It's nice getting a little background.

02:00. This chapter had a lot of insight into both parties' previous relationships, if you could call them that. It's not bad at all. I like that it's in Terrence's perspective, and I'm glad that it wasn't too overplayed or cheesy like some books get when they switch from a girl's perspective to a guy's. The way they think isn't all that different, it's just in the details that you can tell the difference, and that's the way it should be. I like it a lot.

NOTES: I skipped the first two "parts" and went straight to 00:00. The comments on your chapters are interesting, to say the least. I didn't know what to write because as I read each chapter, I also glanced at the comments and everything I could've said is already there. So I suppose this isn't actually a review, it's more of what my opinion is based on what I read.

OVERALL: I didn't read past 02:00 when I was writing this because a) I had to go, and b) I want to read this without having to stop and commentate. I think It'll be cute, a nice easy read that might make me a little sad at the end (maybe). This is exactly the kind of story you can kick back to with some LoFi in the background or soft indie music, and it's also exactly what I've been looking for. I have three books in my library, and now thanks to you, I have four. Not gonna cheese it up with praise because you seem to have plenty of that, lole, but I hope you know that you have my respect. And hey, if you ever have the time and want to try something new, let's collab. I have some ideas for a story that I think your writing style would perfectly fit.

Again, sorry it took so long to get to you. I'm glad I waited, though. I'm finally in a state of mind where I can actually enjoy your work.

RATING: 7/10