I wrote a suicide note last night.
Not because I intend to take my life.
No, there's much to be done.
But there's a beauty in darkness, in knowing that my pain can end if I chose to.
But the consequences would be too much. to write my last words...it was comforting. That even though I don't have the strength to voice my melancholy thoughts. I have the strength to put them on paper and be able to see with my own eyes how fucked I am. But I know I have to keep going. I know there's much to live for. And I don't want to waste my future that I could have.
It's difficult to think that even with a note there are some who would be angry. That they would come to resent your smile and laughs. That they would blame themselves. That speaking your name or seeing your picture would cause them pain. It's so difficult to think about, even if I were to end my pain, the chain reaction is devastating. My pain wouldn't stop with me, I would hurt everyone I love. And to have that turmoil Inside, to have that mental struggle for years... I don't know how I made it this far. But I have to keep going. I don't want anyone to feel the pain I've held inside for so long. To protect them I have to keep going; even though I only wish to be whisked away into the eternal bliss and let whatever's left of my soul finally rest. I wish to be home, to take my final breath and not have to live if the suffocating air we call life.
But I have to be strong
Because there are so many people I love.
And I won't curse them for my pain
I won't leave them lost, wondering why.
