The Renaissance Of A Romance [chaennie x jenlisa]

xvii. death of a heart

"LISA PLEASE LET'S TALK!" Her voice wanted me to stop but I knew that if I did I'll bleed in front of her and I couldn't afford that breakdown. "FUCKING LEAVE!" I was adamant as I tried my best to walk straight. The road seemed rippled. 

"I WON'T!"

"I'M DONE YOU'VE HURT ME ENOUGH!" I yelled as I doubled my pace. But just as I thought I could walk away easily she suddenly embraces me from behind. 

She caught me again.

And I let her,

Again.

She held me so tight that I couldn't move a foot forward. "No. Don't walk away. I know it hurts but don't walk away." Her crippled voice brought back all the memories we had. All those that have nourished my heart and my life. So I stood frozen as the pain was slowly breaking into my system.

"You're breaking my heart, Jen." My voice was shaking. Admitting that made my heart more vulnerable, scared, and in gloom. I held on to her arms which were on my waist. "You swore not to but what have you done?" I continued to shatter. She holds me tighter as I hear her sob. " I messed up. I didn't mean it. I swear."

Anger breached. She can't just say a generic excuse after ruining the trust that I have left for her. "For fuck's sake grow up Jen!" I let go of her embrace with force as I faced her. It was painful seeing her. "Seriously!? That's all you've got!? You just say that you fucking messed up and I need to forgive you now because oh! apparently I'm used to getting hurt so why not do it to me again right?!" With scorching eyes, I tried my best to be strong enough to speak. To rage out. To spill all the pain.

"I never said that Lisa." She rebutted.

"Well fuck then why does it feel like it?!"

"I love you, you know that."

"You still have the audacity to tell me that after slurring your mouth all over Roseanne?!"

"She knows!" Jen interrupted and I stood frozen all of a sudden.

"What do you mean she knows?!"

"Chaeyoung. She somehow remembers Chaeyoung." She revealed. 

"You told her?!" I was bewildered.

"No. She just told me she knows Chaeyoung's memories and it lives with her." Jen continued. "And I don't know. Knowing that I-" Sadness were in her eyes. The kind that has mourned for years. It resurfaced. "-I just couldn't stop my heartbreak. I just lost it when I remembered all the pain I went through. I broke down. Remembering Chaeyoung has always been tormenting and I'm sorry that I was vulnerable and that I missed her. I'm sorry that I didn't stop. I'm sorry that Chaeng makes me weak. But I love you, Lisa." 

Hearing that just made me realize that she was not the soul for me. It never was. I just forced it to be mine.

"You know what I'm sorry for?" My voice cracked as tears started falling. I'm breaking my own heart. "I'm sorry that I forced you to live as Jen! I'm sorry that I told you that I'll fight to win you when I knew I've already lost from the beginning!"

"Baby, you never did. Don't say that. Don't stop fighting for us." She shook her head instantaneously.

"I'm sorry but the time when you kissed Roseanne was the same time I knew I had to stop fighting." I  blurted out.

"Lisa, it was a mistake! I didn't mean to take that kiss."

"That wasn't a mistake. I saw your eyes. You wanted to kiss her. You've always wanted to. You just didn't want to tell me."