Amaranthine

8: Questions of Love

"Could you describe his personality?" I asked, searching for a more descriptive answer.

Dio frowned. "I could," he said, "but why are you interested in Hyde?"

"You call him by his last name?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Sometimes," he shrugged.

If Dio was calling Andrew by his last name, he either didn't know Andrew or didn't like him. I sighed. "I may have asked the wrong person," I said.

The corners of Dio's lips twitched upward in amusement. "You may have," he agreed. "If you must know, I find Hyde bothersome. Don't tell him I said that."

I chuckled. "I wouldn't. Why don't you like him?" I asked.

"I simply don't," Dio dismissed. "But why are you asking about Andrew now? Has he caught your eye?" A bitterness leaked into his tone as he added, "you've certainly caught his." I didn't know whether it was because of his distaste for Andrew or because he was feeling jealous. Either way, I answered his question.

"My father decided Andrew would make a fine suitor." I said. At that, Dio made a very ungentlemanly sound that was somewhere between a snort and him choking on his ice cream. I paused a second to make sure he was alright before continuing.

"According to father, Andrew is well-mannered and intelligent. He's got some wealth and he's kind." I listed off some of the things father had said while describing Andrew to me. "I just wanted to ask if you knew anything more about him."

"I see," Dio said. "Is your father arranging a marriage between you and Andrew?"

"Not to my knowledge . . ."

It was silent for a few seconds as we both took another spoon of ice cream. Dio and I never had any problems discussing anything, but maybe asking about this was a little awkward. The conversation was flowing just fine, but the air felt strange now.

Dio broke the silence before I could. "How would you feel if I was your suitor instead of Andrew?"

I miraculously managed to swallow my ice cream— albeit too quickly— instead of choking on it. "S-sorry?" I coughed.

Dio continued normally, as if he was commenting on the weather. "Would you mind if I wanted to court you?" He repeated his question, rephrasing his words this time. Of course, it didn't help hearing it more directly. Any misinterpretation I might have had from his unrevised question was gone now. I laughed nervously, unsure of what to say.

In truth, the idea was scary. Everyone searches for that "special someone" during their own life. They would be thrilled to find a partner to happily spend the rest of their life with. But I would always be the one losing when it came to love. I could love someone for eternity, but they would only have their single life to live before leaving me. And I would be stuck living on with a void in my heart, knowing it would never be filled no matter how many more lifetimes I lived. When two people had such a strong connection to each other, they became irreplaceable. In my life, everything was replaceable from my own body to my surroundings. I feared the one thing I could never replace.

It was so much easier for me not to get involved with love. I would always try my best to stop myself before forming a deep attachment that would inevitably become nothing more than a painful memory. It was easier to hold people at a distance. It was easier to accept an arranged marriage knowing it wasn't a requirement to love and that my husband probably didn't love me either. Yet knowing all this, Dio's question of dating still made my heart flutter with excitement. In truth, I didn't think I would mind at all if we dated, and that itself made me nervous.