The push

The great myths of depression

"Depression is also smaller than you. Always, it is smaller than you, even when it feels vast. It operates within you, you do not operate within it. It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky but - if that is the metaphor - you are the sky. You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud."
― Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive

I first witnessed the grips of mental health in year 8. We were sitting in the school changing rooms getting ready for PE. It's a scorching summer, the hottest on record and everyone is wandering around in bare legs but she refuses, still wearing her normal black tights. I presume it's because she's trying to look cool and just roll my eyes whenever she complains about the heat. She should've changed out of her tights then, I, personally had long ago abandoned my black chinos in exchange for the hideous school skirt, if she wanted to be cooler she should just change.  But no, she has to keep her style.

The school PE kit consists of blue shorts, a blue top and trainer, tights are forbidden. I know for a fact that she will ignore it. Anticipating her move, I turn around, ready to start teasing her. She slips her skirt off and at that the moment I see them through the thin see-through material of her tights. Big ugly things. Red spiders legs criss-crossing her thighs. No one gets those from any amount of falling over, not unless they've been tied over by the small people from Gulliver's travels. There was only one possibility for how she'd gotten them. I glanced up, making eye contact with each other and in that moment we both knew that the other knew. But before I could say anything she'd quickly whipped her shorts up. Conversation over.

I didn't say a thing. One damn thing. I regret that to this day.