Heartbreak Fluorescence

chapter 5

IVY

He was plan A.

After Andrew told me about his rejection, my mind screamed so loudly that I started to shake. It screamed so loudly that it broke my heart. Shattered it into pieces, you know like when a lady's voice is so high-pitched it broke a glass, that is exactly what's going on inside of me. And everything crumbles, and I can feel the heat leaving my body.

And for a second there, I thought that maybe I should go out with Andrew, but that wouldn't be fair. I'll be using him as a rebound, and it's not like I like him like that. No one can replace Weston and my thoughts of him. Nothing can replace Weston and the footsteps he had engraved in my heart.

I talk about my heart like it's a piece of glass. That's because it is. My mother gave it to me, and in the first fifteen years of my life, my father tried to freeze it. "Don't trust men," he said, "nothing ever lasts in high school." My father is a very smart man. I know that now. He was just protecting me.

"I don't exactly know how you feel-" Andrew murmured, giving me a comforting smile. "-but I know you're not feeling good, and I'm totally on your side. Wes is idiotic sometimes."

"He's not idiotic," I frowned. "He's a genius, that's why I liked him. But he's plan A. And I have a plan B, so it's okay. At least he's not doing it publicly so I won't feel embarrassed," I murmured. "And there's a lot of smart guys. He's just one of them. He's not even that cute."

A half-lie. He is just plan A, but it's not okay. He's plan A. There's a reason why he wasn't B. My eyes are burning but it seems like I am allergic to crying in front of another person. And he is the cutest guy I've ever seen, but for now, let's say he's not. My heart just got broken, so technically, everything I say is the law.

"Fro-yo? We can call Felix if you'd like."

I smiled. "Sure, call the whole crew but not Weston."

"Of course," Andrew blinked, grabbing his phone, typing something into what I'm guessing is their group chat. "Orion's nearby and Felix just received his monthly allowance. Damn, Ivy, you really do have lucky stars, huh? Your heart just got broken, but his lifetime friends are now yours."

----

The next was plan B. Dylan Bryant Neville was hot the day I met him. And I wasn't sure about my taste in boys, since everyone told me growing up that my taste in bags is godlike, but my taste in men is skanky. It's okay, he's just a plan B.

And even though I treated him like a spare, I genuinely liked him. He was attractive, to me at least. He's smart (not really) and very talented with his fingers. He's passionate about his guitar, and he told me he'd like to live in a cabin in the middle of the woods in Switzerland and drink hot cocoas every day and for a moment I thought of having that kind of lifestyle with him. And I liked that he had a dream.

I and Dylan have been talking only for weeks before he decided to ask me out on my birthday, which is somewhat embarrassing but sweet.

I was at a family dinner celebrating my birthday and he told me I must meet him at the sushi place at Four Seasons. I was like, "can it wait? I'm with my family and we finish in about an hour." He waited for me, and when we finally met, instead of roses he gave me a small Christmas tree. I squealed and thanked him over and over until we dismissed ourselves.

By the end of the day, we were exclusively dating.

I knew that this would end one day, I just didn't know why it would. But now, I find one reason why it would.

We often found ourselves laughing at the satisfaction of both our fascination with books. That is one thing I know I will never have with Weston. As similar as our personalities are, we have different interests. With Dylan, everything is smooth, we know everything the other likes. We could spend hours in the library and none of us would get bored, and then we'd go see Andrew and his ice hockey team play, and sometimes I would even see the girl Andrew has his eyes on.

However, I still couldn't process it all in my head. My eyes may be on Dylan, but my head is on Weston and that puts up the heavyweight of guilt on my shoulders. Dylan is a great guy, and I've never been this happy before, but I don't think this is what would last.

Dylan held my hand tightly as we swerved into the crowd. It's very sweet that he told me that he always held my hand tightly because he didn't want to lose me in the crowd. I held his even tighter. He made this routine for us, that we should go out on a date at least once a week, and that he'll pay for everything. Again, guilt consumes me. I truly don't deserve him.

Tonight he took me on a three-hour cruise trip. I planned it and I looked for the cheapest I could find because he's paying and he's saving his lunch money for it. I couldn't bear the guilt, so I bought him cafeteria meals every day.

"How do you like it so far?" He asks, sliding a hand around my shoulder.

"I love it! It allows me to wear this dress," I smiled. "I've been wanting to wear it for a long time now."

He smiled with so much genuinity in his eyes, I can just hope that mine reflects it. I adore Dylan, and I hope he knows that.

"It looks beautiful."

We spent the divine afternoon at sea. I have never been the best at memorizing; ask my mother if you don't believe me, but right now I'm trying my hardest to memorize everything I sense. I tried to memorize the way the puffy clouds form to cover half of the sun. Even then, the sun still drenches us with its heat. I tried to memorize the way the wind blows against our skin; like it's trying to build us up but instead of knocking us down. I tried to memorize the feeling of his chest from the back of my head. I memorized the seawater sparkling from the sun, truly picturesque. Even then, the beauty of the moment itself could not measure up to the hundreds of pictures I took.

I cried myself to sleep due to guilt that night, due to fear that maybe one day he no longer looks at me with love in his eyes.