Fallen

Chapter 17

"Sorry, I can't look that far back," I answered, instantly seeing the fallen angel's piercing gaze as soon as his name was said. "Kind of tough after getting ripped a new one by the same guy."

"Don't take it personally," Nathan said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "It wasn't you he was angry with. Most likely, it was directed more at himself than it ever was at you."

"Sure didn't feel that way," I said dryly. Nathan favored me with a one sided smile.

"I've known Gavin a long time," he began, his eyes looking into the past. "And I've had to cut through a lot of fluff to learn anything about him, but I've got a pretty good idea of what kind of man Gavin is. He possesses powers that we can't even imagine, has seen sights of both incredible beauty, and incomparable evil, and watched humanity rise and fall over and over again. More importantly, he has fought beside many, many people who have fallen in combat, and has had to endure the pain of loss time and time again. Gavin is strong, but in his mind this means that he should have been able to save those who had fought with him, all of them. No matter the logic or reasoning, he blames himself for their deaths. Today, we came close to death. I can't deny that, and Gavin saw it all in his head. This phantom vision he had of our deaths both enraged and scared him, and the reaction you got was the result of his own inner battle with a guilt that he shouldn't be carrying. If we had fallen, he would never have forgiven himself."

"Still doesn't make getting yelled at feel any better," I replied, thinking about what it must be like to live forever in this crazy world. Always fighting, always running, and always having those close to you taken from you again and again. What kind of life would that be? "He was right. I couldn't pull the trigger, and that could have gotten us killed. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this."

"Nonsense,' Nathan answered quickly, drawing my gaze. He held it, staring into my soul. "You just have to find something worth fighting for. And you will, you just have to look for it."

"Maybe," I answered, losing myself in thought. Wasn't saving my life a good enough reason to fight? It always had been before, but tonight, even the thought of death hadn't made my arm move. It only added to the fear that kept it motionless. If I couldn't fight for my own life, what was there to fight for?

"You're thinking that self-preservation is a good enough reason to fight," Nathan said, seemingly reading my mind. "And in many cases, you'd be right. But in times like tonight, it's just not enough. Preserving your own life takes you down roads filled with fear and running, and demons take advantage of that. You have to find something else, or someone else, that you'd be willing to give up your life for. Without that, you will always freeze, or worse, you will run, and your comrades will pay the price."

"Thanks for the pep talk," I said miserably. Giving up my life for something wasn't exactly at the top of my list of things to do, and the concept of doing it for somebody else was completely foreign to me. Until now, the last ten years had been filled with betrayal and lies. My family had thrown me aside, and everyone ever since them until now had only thought of me as a crazy for seeing things they didn't. Even now, part of me wanted to keep moving before Nathan, Toby, and Gavin decided they'd had enough of me. That wasn't exactly the team player attitude, was it?

About that time, the doors of the church doors opened, letting in a gust of chilled air. Nathan and I both turned to see who could be arriving at this hour. I expected to see Gavin making some kind of entrance, but that wasn't the case. It was a man, at least I was pretty sure it was a man. He was bundled up head to toe in heavy clothes, a dark fedora hat over his head, a black scarf pulled up over the lower half of his face, and a heavy, black leather duster covered his torso and legs. Even his hands were concealed by dark gloves. The floor clicked as he walked past the rows of pews to stand in front of the altar. Nathan stood and walked over to where the man stood to greet him.