Buzzkill: The Reckoning

Chapter 44

Nat nodded slowly. "And is that what this is?"

Ruth paused. Maybe it was. "Kind of."

Nat let out a sigh, looking to her room behind her before stepping back and opening the door, "Come in."

Ruth walked into the pristinely kept room. Barely any personal items were anywhere in sight, as if Nat had only lived here a short time.

Natasha stayed standing as Ruth walked into the room, turning to Ruth with her arms crossed, "What's up?" Nat looked her up and down, "Why are you nervous?"

Ruth paused, not sure how to start this, like the words were a barrier she had to cross. "How did you do it?" She asked finally, looking to Nat, "How did you move past everything that you went through growing up to be where you are now? To live with people, trust them, rely on them?"

Nat smirked, a glance of pain behind her eyes, "It's not that simple."

Ruth took a quick deep breath, "I know that...I've been told...that we have similar stories, on how we grew up. I just... I've been taught my entire life that nothing is my own. My body, my mind, my loyalty...there was nothing that I could claim was something for myself. And now," she took a sharp breath, finding it hard to keep eye contact with Natasha, "I'm just supposed to move forward? Live a life that people tell me I now deserve when I know, I know, logically, that that's not true?" Ruth's eyes began to sting with warmth, "How am I supposed to love him, Nat? How am I supposed to move on, after everything?"

There was a silence that grew loudly between them.

"Grief is odd," Natasha said finally. "The guilt is what weighs me down the most." She gave a short laugh, "Honestly Ruth, I can't tell you what's really fixed anything for me. In reality, I know that given everything that I've done, I shouldn't be allowed to be happy." Nat shrugged, emotion building on her features. "Everyone can tell me that it's in the past, and I've payed for my sins, and that I've earned that right to move on...but I don't think I'll ever be able to truly forgive myself, not fully."

Ruth clenched her jaw, tears threatening to collect in her eyes.

"But what else is there?" Natasha said with the hint of a smile. "When someone we care about, who loves us, gives us that opportunity to be happy, just go for it, because what's the alternative?"

Ruth knew what she meant, in more ways than one. She had thought about it.

"Live and be happy because you deserve that chance," Natasha said to her. "That young girl who was sold by her mother deserved to be happy too, right?"

A tear slipped down Ruth's face, she glanced to the ground before looking back up at Natasha. Ruth gave a pained laugh, quickly wiping the tear away, "You know, you've really grown on me, Nat."

Natasha gave half a smile, "You've grown on me too, kid."

The silence that now swelled between them felt a lot more comfortable.

"Thank you," Ruth said finally, "for everything."

Natasha smiled, "Anytime."

Walking back to the living room, Ruth couldn't help but smile as she saw Bucky's figure still sat in the same spot on the couch, continuing to be engrossed in his book. Ruth walked up behind him, wrapped her arms around him as her hands settled on his chest, and kissed the edge of his jawline, the scruff of his short beard rough against her lips.

Bucky was surprised by the gesture, turning to her slightly.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me, James," Ruth said to him.Bucky set his book, a copy of The Hobbit, down on his lap and turned to her slightly, stroking her hand with his, a warm smile on his face. "Here," he urged, motioning to the space next to him on the couch.

Ruth walked around and sank down in the couch next to him, settling into him with her head on his chest, his arm wrapped around her as he picked the book back up.

"I found this the other day," Bucky said, looking into Ruth's eyes, "Do you want me to read it out loud? It's different than Sherlock," He offered with a smile.

Ruth looked back into his eyes with adoration, a warmth that filled her heart and mind. "Yes please."

Bucky started from the beginning of that chapter, giving a brief explanation to Ruth of what had happened so far before continuing on.

The best part of him reading this story aloud was getting to hear his voice, to listen to the inflections create a deep echo through his chest.

It reminded her of Bucharest. So many times throughout the past couple of years, Ruth would've given anything to go back to that apartment and live with Bucky again, to go back to the way things were. It was hard to think that even three days ago Ruth was strapped to a cold metal chair with the thought that she wouldn't even survive to the weekend.

But this moment was greater than any fear that loomed for the future. This moment here as the sun set in the sky behind them and the light within the room began to fade, was a moment that would be with her no matter what the future would bring.