A Freaks Mind

A Very Reflective Morning...

By the time I'd finished all I had to do in the house, I'd left out early for school. Yeah, me leaving out to school early sounded weird even to me, but I felt that today was the day I'd crawl out of my shell. I had been bundled up in this cacoon of mine for 3 years now, staying to myself, only speaking when spoken to, and even avoiding eye contact with my peers.

I guess you could say I was a 'lame'. I dressed according to the newer styles, but well within my own budget. I spoke with a healthy dose of slang- when I actually said anything- as the ghetto was all around me. This lead me to make the change from a formal city boy to an urban hip-hop junkie. I was messy and lazy, but my hygine was optimal- I wasn't walking around musty is all im saying.

I just couldn't figure out how to talk to females, authority figures, and sometimes not even my mother. 3 years ago I'd shut down on everyone. My mother, friends, family, and school teachers were all seen as people on the street in my eyes, people who I wouldn't associate with, people who's eyes were forever haunting my every move, people who didn't understand me.

I have no mental illness but they seemed to think I was crazy-shit-I bet you'd think I'm crazy if I was a real person, but then again I digress. On my 13th birthday I was introduced to porn. No not the fettish shit, but the good porn where he licks every inch of her body, caressig her before violently smacking her ass and revealing himself to her, if you know what I mean.

I was young but like most kids I thought I was ready. After seeing porn I couldnt look at anyone the same way, my image of the world was one of adam and eve, ASS NAKED. The guys, I was not so fond of because I'm not gay, but the females! God, from the ugly ones to the stunning ones, they all had something I wanted. I never learned how to approach them as I had no father figure and friends were hard to make. I had trust issues with people, afriad everyone was out to finesse me. In other words, I felt that people who claimed to be friends were only friends because they saw something you had that interested them. You as a person had nothing to do with a friends loyalty, they all would cross you someday in some form or fashion.

Ever since that mind opening experience of viewing pronography I never looked at anyone the same.