Help Me Remember (COMPLETED)

Chapter 36

"You don't understand!" Was all I could say. I was lost for words, unwillingness and shame trapping it all at the back of my throat.

Zach's expression only became determined, his hold like steel clamps over my wrists. "Then make me understand because I'm not letting you hurt yourself. Not anymore."

My heart cracked at that. The dam letting loose not just the tears but all the bravery, the hope that I had for the situation I was in.

I shook my head, closing my eyes because I didn't want to look at him. "N-no, I can't." I tried pushing away from him without effect.

He squeezed my wrists, and when he spoke, his tone had quieted. "I promised you I'm here for you. I'm here. And I want to help you. But you have to tell me what the problem is. I can't fight an enemy I have no idea about."

That's the thing! I wanted to tell him. Why? Why would he want to help me? It didn't make sense no matter how I looked. This approach, his words, his actions didn't make sense! It merely fed the guilt and anguish I felt for all those memories. Why was this kind of care painful? Why was inexplicable kindness scary? And why was it that the part of my brain that said I didn't deserve both from him wanted him to stay that way anyway?

He already knew. Somewhere deep in the deep recesses of my broken mind, I just believed it. Zach already knew.

A sob escaped. "Don't I disgust you, Zach?"

His eyes widened at my words, his fingers loosening momentarily as if from surprise. But quickly they tightened again, shaking me once. "What the hell are you talking about, Red?"

Even with the tears streaming down my face, I had the sudden urge to laugh. What did he and did he not know? I tried for a smile at that thought. My lips wobbled too much to retain any decent kind of expression. I opened my lips but somehow I couldn't form words at that moment.

In those rare shows of impatience, Zach's eyebrows knitted together. "I'm not letting this go, Red. You're going to tell me either way so--"

My eyes squeezed shut. "I can still feel it, okay?! It still feels so real!" I cried out finally. I heaved a sob, glaring at him through nonstop tears.

Confusion clouded his face, "Feel what?"

"That stranger!" The laughter caught in my throat finally made itself known. But mixed with the tears and the sobs, it came out crazed and ugly and there was really no way to tell the sounds I was making. "That stranger, Zach! I could still feel him touching me. On my skin, my legs... and--and I was enjoying it! Know the worst part about it? I knew he was married, I knew we both were and I still welcomed his advances." I hear my voice get angrier, more frustrated with every word. I eyed his expression then and smiled bitterly. "who does that?"

I found I couldn't meet his eyes for long and my head bowed. "Now tell me, Zachary. Aren't you disgusted yet? I don't get how you could stay knowing all that. I-I know I wouldn't accept you if the roles were reversed... never."

We were left in silence. Torturing silence. I didn't have to look at him to feel him withdrawing from me. Funny how it hurt that he did. Funny how I knew this was the normal reaction but I was disappointed. And the coward that I was, I couldn't stand this. I removed my hands from his loose hold, and shakily started to stand up.

His hand quickly shot up to grab my left hand. The sight of his and mine joined together made me stop. Zachary planted his other hand against the wall behind him and pulled himself to his full height. Reluctantly, I had to look up.

Zachary's stare was intent. His voice tired, "then I'm glad I'm not you."

My mouth hung open and again we were thrust into silence. His fingers slipped between mine in a firm twine. The bands on my ring finger glinted in the light.