I. Almost death
Warnings: extreme self harm/self mutilation, prostitution, mentions of rape.
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You first met him at the emergency room
exactly three years and four months ago
at six twelve in the morning.
His eyes were a cool viridian
a mixture of green and cyan
specked with yellow, like dried leaves on the surface of the pool—
You could drown in those eyes, you thought.
He was a doctor, he was your doctor
He held you with dispassionate control, with firm authority,He asked your name, voice betraying no emotion, and you were obliged to answer
Sit properly. Don't fidget.
You force your bouncing leg to still.
Don't move, he said, and you didn't even blink.
His hands were firm when he pushed you to lay on the hard hospital bed.
Asked you a few of questions, going over a list his nurse had provided
Yes, doctor.
No doctor.
I don't know, doctor.
Why did you do this to yourself?
I had a compulsion, doctor.
He showed you an x-ray of what you've done.
Messy, isn't it?
Your eyes water because you hear disappointment in his tone
You wanted to apologize but you didn't exactly know what for.
He injected you with something that caused you to feel like jelly,the fifty sewing needles you buried in your arm removed with care
and when you returned to semi-consciousness,
you were covered in bandages
and your friend was sitting on a plastic chair, tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes.
When discharged from the hospital, you saw the same doctor talking to a nurse
He caught your eyes, gave you a smile.
You wished he didn't inject you with anesthetics for the surgery.
On the drive home, you imagined how nice it would've felt if he squeezed your arm
with the needles still inside your skin.
You wished he amputated you as punishment
and kissed you for doing a great job
for keeping still when it was all over.
He had beautiful eyes
So you wanted h̴i̸m̵ í̸̟̱̔̀inside you...
and you wanted him to rip you apart
Piece by ugly piece
Obliterate you into something indistinguishable.
And you wouldn't resist, because it would be a dream.
