The Pals and Dorl!

I'm a mess

Hey guys.

It's not the first time you've got something like this from me, is it?

Okay, so I often like to keep my account very positive. If something bad happens, I like to fix it and explain what's going on inside my head. I am going to explain... it might not be very positive though.

A lot has been going off in my head right now. You could probably tell because I haven't been writing at all.

I've been making excuses like, "I'm busy" or "I have no ideas" but it's not true. I have literally been the biggest pile of shit you'll ever see.

I've been up until 3am crying my eyes out because I feel like a failure.

I just want to be honest with you because I hate pretending to be this happy person.

To be honest, I have quite a big ego when I want to. I can sit there and tell everyone around me that I'm the best and that I'm better than you blah blah blah just as a joke. But, having this huge ego comes with huge insecurities.

And to make it worse, I just got a text from Ellie saying we're over. That makes everything a lot better doesn't it.

Let's just get this over and done with.

I expect too much from myself.

I expect myself to be this "funny" person on social media and in real life. I like to think that I'm a good author and a good friend to all of you. I liked to think that Ellie was happy with me. That's what I wanted, not reality.

These mood swings are ruining my life.

Last week, I forgot which day but it was about 1am, I got this crazy feeling inside my head. It's hard to explain.

I kind of felt like I could be in charge of everything and everyone and that I'm the best person ever, and I knew that.

I also knew that this wasn't normal and that I'd end up doing something bad.

I wasn't risking chances again.

Last time I felt like this, I was so close to just not waking up.

I tied myself to my bed railing and powered off my phone and iPad.

I was crying and felt like I wanted to scream, so I literally put socks in my mouth to bite onto and scream into so nobody would find out.

I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Another thing that happened was one of my mood swings at school.

I was at a netball match after school in the sports all. We had an hour and a half to wait without any teachers.

It pains me to know what I did and I want people to know I didn't mean harm.

I literally don't remember what happened, I remember that I went, but not what happened.

There is one thing I remember though.

I remember kicking one of my closest friends in the face, laughing and walking away like I didn't do anything.

I remember her sitting down, looking like she was going to cry, and me just there not caring at all.

I came to school the next day, apologiesed and asked people to tell me what I did.

Apparently..

Well, I'm just gonna say this.

I was the biggest bitch you'd ever find.

Just... get Paige to explain in the comments or whatever.

I had a dream that I got locked up in a mental asylum and ended up committing suicide which I don't think is normal to dream about. Especially not in detail.

I have asthma and took too much of my inhaler on purpose to make me feel shakey and hide my emotions. I basically got high.

I haven't been wanting to write because I don't wany my emotions to show off in the books and make it rubbish and not entertaining to read.

Ellie isn't with me anymore.

I won't open her messages because I'll end up lashing out and don't want to hurt her even more.

I'm a fucking mess and want you to all know that.

It's not your fault, it's mine.

I'm having trouble breathing and thinking and everything.

I just want to go.

I just thought it'd be the mature thing to do if I spoke to you all about this.

Don't end up like me... it's not worth it.

Love you all with all of my sick heart.

❤️❤️❤️