minnow // sirius black

thirty-eight

"Remus?"

I felt relief in every part of my body. I sighed heavily as Lily opened the door, pointing her wand at Remus' face. She huffed as she put her wand in her pocket, telling us that we needed to come up with a special knock.

"What are you doing here?" James asked as he came out of the bathroom, Remus shrugged as he looked at me.

"I wanted to see you."

"Me?"

Remus nodded as I looked at James. He raised an eyebrow.

"Sirius basically kicked me out, he said you wanted to see him."

"Dean told me."

I asked what he meant, and so Remus told us what happened as we walked to the kitchen. I grabbed another plate for him.

Remus' mother had died a few days before, and he had sent me a letter, asking to come see me and Esme. When Remus came to my cottage, the door was answered by Dean. He asked where I was, as he'd expected me to open my own door. Dean gave him a short run down of Sirius practically kicking me out for a few days, and Remus told Dean that he hadn't wanted to see Sirius. He'd wanted to see me.

"Why would Sirius lie to me?"

It wasn't like Sirius mistook the letter as for him, Remus always wrote "Trout" in an almost unreadable script across the front of the folded letter - a new nickname he thought was clever.

Remus shrugged. I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him.

He'd always been my best friend, and even when he was at his worst, I was always there for him. He was there for me in a way that even Lily wasn't capable of. Remus understood the way that people looked at me differently when I was sick. He understood why I hid everything that I hid. He was supportive when all of the others weren't. He was never angry with me for trying to keep the extent of my sickness secret. He understood.

So, he was my moon, I was his tide.

Pun intended.

He looked at me, now, with such sadness. As I realized what he was feeling, the pain of my mother's death washed over me. Lily and James sat where they were, quietly eating.

Part of me wished, in that moment, that it hadn't been Sirius that I fell in love with, but rather Remus. Part of me wished that I had felt more for him when we were 14 than I had.

It wasn't like there wasn't chemistry between us. He and I were best friends, we were closer than any of our friends were. There was an easiness between us and we rarely fought. He was a perfect companion, respectful and considerate. Remus worked on things, whereas Sirius ran from things. Remus and I were more alike, more compatible, that Sirius and I could ever be.

But part of me knew that Remus and I could never work, not when I knew Sirius. Maybe we could have for a few years, but Remus was safe, Sirius was passionate. There was a darkness and an uncertain danger that followed Sirius, and I was intrigued by it. Remus was not dangerous, he was overly cautious.

Not to mention the fact that Remus doesn't want children, at all.

He is my best friend, and nothing more. He would never be anything more.

"I'm sorry about your mum," I said quietly. "How is your dad?"

"He's torn up. I don't know if he'll make it through this. She was his Jemina," I know that Remus saw my confusion, and he snorted. "Imagine if you lost Sirius, if he died."

"I don't want to think-"

"Exactly. You can't imagine your life without him. No matter how much you think he hates you, he couldn't live without you. If you left him, he'd lose his mind, and vise versa."

"Your Mum just died and your giving me relationship advice?" I raised my eyebrows. Remus smiled softly.

"We'd been waiting for it, as awful as that sounds. I was prepared. She was in a lot of pain, so it's more relieving than it is heartbreaking," Remus explained, taking a bite of the food in front of him. He liked chicken. "Seeing the way you and Sirius are, that hurts more than my mum dying."

"That's messed up," James snorted through a full mouth. "I agree though - if Jemina and Sirius can't make it work, how could I think that Lily and I could?"

"You're not as big of a fool as Sirius is, James. You've known you wanted to be with me since the day you met me, that never changed. You never even thought about being with someone else. Sirius... he runs. It is what he does, he runs and hides from pain. And as much as you love him, Jem, you've caused him a lot of pain."

"I know that," I said quietly. I pushed the green beans around, sighing. "It's not a one way street. He can't hurt me, and beg me to come back, just to throw the towel in when I cause him pain - no matter how unintentional."

"She's not talking about Fleamont, Minnow."

"What-?"

"We all know that he walked out when you needed him, but... you didn't do much comforting for him either. The two of you needed one another, and you both pushed each other away. He needed you when you needed space; you needed him when he needed space."

"How do I fix it?"

"Communication, Jemina," James said quietly. "The only reason Lily is with me is because she talked to me. She told me how confused she was about liking me, how she liked who I was with you, and her, but not who I was when I was in hallways. I fixed it, and she gave me a chance. Had she not told me, we would never have worked."

"You have to tell him what you need, when. When your parents died, you needed nothing from anyone, and no one knew it. We had no idea what you needed, not until you screamed to leave you alone."

I smiled weakly at Remus. I looked back at Lily, who's eyebrows were knitted together. She looked so worried and sad.

Relationship counselling from my best friends was not how I expected that night to go.

"Sirius needed you to be okay, that's all he needed when your parents died. When your son died, he needed you. He doesn't hate you, or blame you, for his death... he's angry that you didn't try to comfort him. He needed your warmth, but you were cold and empty."

I looked away from them.

"You hurt him by pushing him away, so he responded by pushing you away," Lily continued. "As much as Sirius loves you, he doesn't know what a good relationship looks like. He doesn't know how to communicate, so you have to force him into a situation where he has no choice but to talk to you."

I didn't respond. Part of me was furious that they put me in this situation. Part of me wanted to scream at them for being so nosy, but part of me knew they were trying to help. Seeing Sirius and I fighting the way we were... none of them enjoyed it.

"Is this an intervention?"

Glancing at James, the way he looked at Remus, a nagging voice in the back of my head suggested that option.

"Sort of," James admitted quietly. "We'd been talking about trying to force you and Sirius to work together to fix things... didn't know the opportunity would show itself."

I nodded slowly as I got out of my chair. I knew how stupid I was being, but my frustration took over the understanding.

However, I was smart enough not to speak about my frustration, so I silently yelled at my friends. Just like the bet, they were so obsessively invested in my love life.

But I knew they wanted me to be happy, and they knew as well as I did that there would never be someone I loved like I loved Sirius. There would never be anyone else that made me feel the way he did.

"I'm going home," I said quietly as James watched me. "I can't be here."

"Jemina-"

"No, I mean. I am annoyed as hell that you lot are being so... bullheadly interested in my love life, but you're right. I have to try."