and then you left // cth

chapter 40: change

I crave that feeling now, and I worry that she is the only way I could ever feel that way again. That is my biggest fear, I think.

I leave without locking the door. My feet carry me to my car and my hands shove the key in the ignition. The music starts playing and it's way too loud but I don't notice. I focus only on driving and getting to Lex. I run red lights and stop signs and pass other cars like it's the last thing I'll ever do. Maybe if this darkness ever passes, I will try to care about my life, for once.

Ash's words don't set in until I'm nearly halfway to Luke's house, and once they do, I drive even faster.

My tires screech as I arrive at Luke's house, and see Ash sitting on the porch with his head in his hands. I don't get out of the car. I can't waste any time. Instead, I roll down the passenger window. He picks his head up and sees me, and walks to the car. He walks. I can't grasp why he isn't running, sprinting even. Why is everything such a goddamn waste of time?

"Calum," he breathed a sigh of relief, but I don't dare do the same. He opens his mouth to say something that doesn't matter, and so I interrupt him.

"Where is she?" I demand. He shakes his head and points down the street, the same way that I came from. He briefly explains that he doesn't know where they actually are, because it's dark and he can't see the street signs. He tells me where he last saw them, and I'm off, tires screeching, the steering wheel turning sharper than it ever has before.

My heart is throbbing in my ears so loud that it takes over my entire body. My hands shake as the turn the wheel again, and again, and again. I can't keep doing this, coming to her rescue all the time. But I don't know how else to live, what else to live for.

And then I see her, and she is beautiful and she is crying and it is all because of him.

My blood boils just as quickly as my heart softens. Two different people, two different emotions.

"Lex!" I yell. My car stops and the door flies open and I don't even bother closing it. She sees me and the tears start falling even faster and I run to her and she closes her eyes and I wrap my arms around her, surrounding her in safety.

She kisses the bottom of my neck and finally, my breathing slows. My heart rate begins to beat slowly once again, and everything is okay.

I don't know why I get like this.

I pull away from Lex, briefly. I tell her to get in the car and that I'll be right there. She looks at me with her big green eyes and she nods and I wipe her tears away. She will be okay now. And so will I. Everything will be okay.

I let her go and she walks over to my car, opening the passenger door and then closing it. I watch as she takes deep breaths, as she tries to calm herself. And then I turn to the reason that she is crying in the first place.

Luke has always been there for me, in a way that nobody else has. He was there for me, picking me up off of the ground after I left Seattle. When I was absolutely broken, with nothing to live for, he let me in. And maybe I should be more grateful. Maybe I should thank him, one of these days, and fix what is broken between us.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

But Lex is my whole world. She is my sun, and my moon, and my oxygen. She is the reason I am who I am, why I do what I do. And he is trying to get in the way of that. I won't let him.

He is standing in the middle of the street, in the darkness. He looks so lost, as he looks from me to Lex to me again.

And even though everything in me wants to kill him, to punch him to the ground and really let him have it, I don't do anything. Not with Lex watching. She is too good of a person. That would break her. And I can't break her, not again.

Instead, I opt for scaring him.

"You stay away from Lex," I tell him as I back away slowly. "You stay the fuck away from her and we don't have any problems."

And as I walk away from him, I think that this is it. This is the end of our story, the story of Calum and Luke. Because there can't be that story, when the story of Alexis and Calum is everything to me. It just won't work.

I'm almost to the car when he finally responds. And his words are so quiet that I can just barely pick them up. They are so quiet that I'm sure not even the birds can hear them, or the moon. But I hear them. And that is what matters.

"But I love her,"

And then I'm on him. I turn around and face him and only seconds later I am beating his face to the ground. Lex screams and everything in me breaks but I can't stop. Now now, not when my hand is slamming his head into the concrete, not when his nose is bleeding so much that my whole hand turns red and soft.

I can't stop it.

I can't stop it until I feel the softest hands on my shoulders, pulling me up. And then I fall back on the ground, and sit and hold my legs to my chest and everything sets in. And Luke is moaning in pain and Lex is crying and everything just goes to shit. Just like that.

And it's while I'm sitting there, with Luke lying on the ground in the middle of the street at 5am, with Lex sitting right by his side, crying and trying to dab away Luke's blood without hurting him more, and me sitting steps away from them, staring.

It is now that realize that something has to change. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep beating up my best friend because I cant fathom that somebody else could love her just as much as I do.

Something has to change, fact. Or we're all gonna fucking die- or worse.

this was such a CRAZY chapter. it took me so long. i'm sorry. i hope it was worth it.

the book is coming to an end. i'm not sure how much longer it will have, maybe a few chapters. i'm working on it, i really am.

thank you for 17k and unlimited support. i love you all.