swanqueen one-shots

Alcoholics Anonymous

"Hi I'm Emma and I'm an alcoholic." I said, biting my lip as the group said "hi emma". I took a deep breath before starting to talk. "I normally wouldn't be up here right now.. but I.. i think I've finally hit rock bottom and.. I don't know. Sharing seems like it'll help." I mumbled, my voice cracking. "I was in the foster system until the day I turned 18 and I emancipated myself. I was alone. I still am but.. drinking and smoking pot helped. Then.. then I met this man. And.. he tricked me into thinking he liked me. Then I woke up in the hospital because he had raped me and left me in an alley. So.. I drank. And I drank. And I drank. Until I landed in the hospital again. I got pregnant. And had a miscarriage. So.. here I am." I said, closing my eyes. "I.. thanks for letting me share." I mumbled and went back to my seat. I heard footsteps and I just stared at the ground. "Hi I'm Regina and I'm an alcoholic." A silky voice said and I looked up to see the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. "Most of you have heard my spiel before. But I have a nagging feeling in my stomach to share. I was born intersexual, which means I was born with a male reproductive system instead of female. It didn't really affect my life until high school. Somehow people found out and would bully me relentlessly for it. So I drank to forget about it. And boy did I drink... I hit rock bottom about four years ago and I've been sober since." She said, watching me. I bit my lip. "Thanks for letting me share." She said and went back to her seat. I bit my lip again and tried to listen to everyone else. But I couldn't get her voice out of my head. She was so... put together. And she was like me? Maybe I could be sober after all....

At the end of the meeting, I felt like I was frozen in my seat. I couldn't leave. I didn't want to leave. Because here, I'm safe. I know I won't drink. I know I can't. But out there... in the real world... I'm not strong enough. "You okay?" That same silky voice from earlier, Regina, asked and pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked at her. She looked like she was actually concerned for me. I shook my head, words not seeming to come. She sat down beside me and I just looked ahead of me. "Talk to me. It helps." She said softly and I sighed. "I'm safe in here. I have people who support me and who want to see me stay sober. But out there... I have no one. No parents. No siblings. No friends. I'm alone. And I know that when I get back to my apartment, when all I can think about is how my baby girl is dead because of me.... I'll drink. Because I'm not strong enough." I said, tearing up. I looked down, feeling her hand on my thigh and I stared at it. "She's not dead because of you. It's not your fault. Things happen that are out of our control. That's why the motto is the serenity prayer." She said and I sighed. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. "How long has it been since you lost your daughter?" She asked, her voice full of sincerity and kindness. "A year." I mumbled and she nodded. I moved my hand to hers on my thigh and I took it in my hand, holding it. She squeezed mine and i closed my eyes. "I know it's hard. Trust me. It's hard. I didn't have anyone either. Not that could help. People who aren't struggling don't get it. They think it's as easy as just putting the bottle down and walking away. I'm not going to try and tell you it's easy. It's going to be really fucking hard. Every day. But you're going to have good days. They're going to seem easy. You'll feel like you're better. Like the world is finally on your side and you're going to be okay. Those are the hardest. Because the next day won't be so easy. You'll feel alone and hurt and broken and scared. And you'll want to drink." She trailed off and I looked at her. She was already watching me. "But... you have us. You're not alone." She said softly and i nodded a little. "Will you be my sponsor?" I asked, no hesitation and her eyes widened a little. "You want me to be your sponsor?" She asked, shocked and I nodded. "Is that.. not okay?" I asked softly and she shook her head quickly. "No, of course it's okay I'm just shocked is all. No one.. no ones ever wanted me to be their sponsor. Never even asked." She said and I smiled a little. "They must not have ever talked to you then." She chuckled a little at my words and I smiled. A real, genuine smile.

——

I walked into the office building, going to the conference room where our meetings were held. I saw Regina sitting outside the door on the bench and I smiled at her. "Hey." She looked up at me and smiled. "Hey, happy anniversary Em." She said, standing up and I smiled. "Thank you. It's... been the longest 6 months of my life." I said, laughing softly and she chuckled, shaking her head at me. She pulled me into a hug and I melted, holding onto her tight and I buried my face in her neck. "I'm proud of you." She said and I smiled against her skin. These past six months have been hard. Really hard. But Reginas been there for me every step of the way. She's been more than a sponsor. She's been my best friend. And I'm so grateful for that. "Thank you for getting me through. I wouldn't be here without you." I said, unintentionally rhyming but she didn't mention it. "Of course. We're family. And family doesn't leave anyone behind to fend for themselves." She said and I smiled, nodding a little. "I've never had any family. Thank you for being mine." I said and pulled away. She smiled as she brushed a piece of my hair away. "I'll always be your family. Ever since you walked through that door, we became family. You're stuck with me Swan."

——

I stared at the small coin in my hand as I sat in my kitchen floor, crying. 8 months sober. All down the drain. I'm such a fuck up. My phone started ringing and I grabbed it, answering absentmindedly. "Em? Hey, are you okay? You missed the meeting." More tears fell as I heard Reginas voice on the other end. "I'm not okay. I messed up. I-I need help." I cried, my words slurring together. "I'm on my way, okay? I'll be there in ten minutes." She said and i sniffled. "Can-can we stay on the phone until you get here?" "Absolutely Emma. I'm in the car. You're okay. Take deep breaths. Think about something calming." I closed my eyes at her words. Why is she all I can think about? I'm so in love with her. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I heard my door open but I couldn't get up. "Em?" Regina called out, my front door closing after her and I let out a sob. Quicker than I imagined, Regina was sinking to the ground beside me and I was pulled into her strong arms as I sobbed into her chest. "I'm such a fuck up." I cried and she kissed my head, pulling me onto her lap. I felt like a child. But my sobs eased. "No you're not. Listen to me, okay? You are not a fuck up. You are okay. It happens. Things happen. This is a part of recovery. But you have to want to get better. And I know you want to get better." She said soothingly and I nodded. But I fell asleep before I could say anything else.

I woke up in my bed and I looked to my side. Regina was sitting up, leaning against the headboard reading. "Hey." She said softly, looking at me. I frowned and she shook her head. "Don't. It's okay. But I want you to talk to me. What happened?" She asked softly and I sighed. "I... I fell in love with you. I know I'm not supposed to. I know you're just helping me get better. But i-I can't help it. You've been so good to me. And i-I.." I trailed off, starting to cry again and she laid down, pulling me into her arms. I cried against her chest as she held me. "I fell in love with you too Emma. I was never going to tell you because I didn't want to hinder your recovery. But I'm not going to let you go on thinking your feelings are one sided." She said softly and i sniffled. "What now?" I asked sadly and she hummed. "I'd like to take you out on a date. But not yet. Not until you get your 30 day coin okay?" She rubbed my back and I nodded rapidly. "Yes. Okay." I said, feeling like I could breathe again. I'm going to be okay.

——

18 months. 78 and a half weeks. 547 hours. 788,401 minutes. Sober. Regina came out of the bathroom, towel drying her wet hair from her shower and I smiled at her. She's completely naked. She's so beautiful. "Happy sobriety day." She said, smiling and i chuckled. "Can you believe it's been a year and a half? We've been together for a year and a half." I said happily and she hummed. "I knew you could do it. But I'm so grateful I got to be here and do it with you." She said and I smiled brightly. "Me too." I said. But I don't think she'll ever be able to understand how grateful I am to her. I don't think I'll ever be able to convey that to her. So I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her.