The Universe Listened | Kiribaku

My eyes are damp from the words you left

She's yelling at you. Smacking the back of your head. Grabbing your ear.

"You're capable of doing better, Katsuki," she tells you, "Stop fucking up."

You can't help but fuck up. So many thoughts are twirling your head, you can't seem to focus on more than one thing for several seconds before a new, unpleasant thought captures your attention. It's not your fault, you tell her, but she doesn't listen.

"It is your fault. You keep letting yourself get distracted. Knock. It. Off."

A relentless wave of her berating and thoughts of your own slam into you at full force all at once. It's like a truck. Painful and heavy and you're not sure how much more you can takeー

One day, you snap.

"Get off of my ass you hold hag," you yell at her, "For once in your life, look at me like I'm your son and not someone you can brag to your friends about. I'm your goddamn son, and I'm going through so damn much right so excuse me for not being the dancing robot you want me to be. I. Am. Not. Your. Prize."

She breaks. Right there. Her eyes go dead, her breath still, and she walks away from you. Without saying a word. Her movements are sluggish and scary, and then she's locked herself in her room.

Hours later, you try to knock on her door. There's no answer. It's locked. There are no movements behind the door, no indications of life.

You didn't know what would be the last time you'd hear her voice or see her face. You didn't know those words, those horrid words, were going to be the last thing you ever say to her until you finally act on your worry and you break into her room.

You find her there.

Dead.

And your world is flipped upside down in an instant because you realize she was barely holding onto life by a thread. Her husband needing a break and her brother hurting you, her only child. pushed her close to the edge. Your cruel words were enough to give her that final shove over the edge. She stopped taking the medications that used to help keep her bipolar disorder in check, and this low got too low and she couldn't find her way back up to the top.

Now, people are trying to figure out what to do with you. No one on your mother's side is willing to take you after the travesty you caused. You're given to your dad, who moves a lot, which isn't all that different than before because your talent has taken you all over the country.

You live in anger and guilt. It's all you ever feel and you don't know how to deal with it. So you dance your heart out, day after day, year after year. Soon, these feelings are the only things you come to know. You can't remember what it's like to be happy or to have the smallest shred of will to live.

Life moves on, and it doesn't wait for you.

On your face is the constant reminder of the shitty choice you made, and although people don't know why it's there, you still feel like they look at you like some horrible monster.

And in your DNA lives your guilt. When you look in the mirror, you see so much of her. Your hair, your complexion, the way the corner of your lips twisted upwards when you pulled out the strength to give a fake smile. Your explosive personality and drive. So much of her is in you, and you can't look at yourself. So you don't because when you do, all you see is your mother in your face and her brother's invisible hands at they grab your body.

You move out of the town where it all happened, and from then on, you never really know what a true home is. But just before you move, you dance one last time and you lose for the first time. You lose to a black-haired kid with these eyes that remind you of pools of lava. He leaves the building and you feel compelled to follow him because there was something about this kid that made you feel things you didn't know you could feel. That night, he was leaning over a bridge, talking about how he wanted to jump, but you said some things and left and you hope he listened to you.