The first time that I realized and acknowledged that I was not like other people was in the summer of 2018. After receiving some news about my long since dead father--specifically learning that the circumstances of his death had been lied about to me since I was a child--I began to spiral like never before. What had always seemed a regular phase of depression was so much more.
My low became almost too low. I had never been at such a downswing before in my life. The whole ordeal confused me, as, even though the news was life-changing and drastic, I'd never known my father, never cared much about his absence, and often made jokes about not having him around. (He died when I was very, very you, you see.)
It scared me, and suddenly I became self-aware of my emotions and moods, and how, right before my eyes for so long, I'd actually been weaving through ups and downs for as long as I could remember. Throughout high school, I had always had a quick temper. I would go from being the class clown and life of the party to being instantly hostile if someone even looked at me the wrong way.
I'll get more into my moods later. For now, back to my realization.
It dawned on me that I never really had a stable point. Other people seemed to react to different situations differently than me. I began to observe my behavior in relation to other people, and to gauge my reactions to theirs.
One of my oldest and closest friends revealed to me that our entire friend group had always thought that I was bipolar. No one ever mentioned it to me.
Over the past year or so, my self-awareness has caused me to spiral. It seems that now that I know I am not like other people, and that I know something is wrong with me, it all gets worse. I try to modify my behavior, and to control my ups and downs--but nothing works. In the moment, everything feels right.
Not everyone can afford a fancy diagnosis and expensive prescription pills. Not everyone has a family who cares.
Maybe one day I'll be in a place where my mental health will finally be put first. Maybe I'll get answers, and be able to live a normal life. Maybe my moods will stop being entertainment for the people around me.
