Until you can't run anymore

But you don't really want that

The people drank a lot. To the point where he wondered did they do it often, since it seemed like it was a totally normal thing. He also wondered what was it like to be that drunk. It had been so long that he couldn't really even remember. Luckily they didn't care that he wasn't drunk. Because that would have led him to explaining that he was scared that then he would let it all out. Or just ignoring the question which would have been rude.

"You want another one?" Tyler asked as he stared down to the empty bottle that still was his second.

Why is he so kind? I don't even deserve any of it.

"Okay", Josh nodded.

"I'll pick you one while I use the toilet", Tyler answered still the sweet smile on his lips. Like he was trying to make sure Josh didn't have anything to worry about.

But he did. As Tyler left the room a black haired, a heavily tattooed guy next to him turned slightly. He knew already what it was. Even before the guy even opened his mouth. Too many times he had seen it, even if the setting wasn't the same.

"So it was Josh, right? I am Alexander. Al is okay, but Alex is even better", the guy tilted his head in a way that his hair moved and drooped over his forehead.

Josh nodded and grabbed the hand that the other offered shaking it. The guy was really handsome. In a way that would be striking anywhere. The hair was obviously dyed. The tattoos didn't look those cheap ones you take when you are drunk and want one from the closest possible shop. He wore a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans and Josh knew that he was that guy in crowds. The one who everyone waited for confirmation from, but not even intentionally. The one that liked the attention, but didn't really do anything to achieve more. Just because he was already beyond the line. The guy that seemed nice at first but really didn't care about other people.

"How did you meet Tyler?" Alex asked and brought the beer bottle he was holding to his lips and took a sip still keeping his dark eyes on Josh.

That question. Another one of those he could tell the truth to. But Tyler had already lied about where he worked so it would be weird now to now say another thing.

"Let me guess. You wanted to buy stuff from him?"

And Josh just nodded. Even if that was very far from the truth it really was the best answer now.

"I see. Probably how we all met him", Alex nodded and fetched something from his pocket, "You want one?"

Josh stared at the two tiny pink pills that rested on his palm. It was so inviting. And it would be so stupid. As he watched Alex dropped the other one on his tongue and swirled it down with his beer.

"It will just relax you. You know. Like you are floating."

And then the hand was on his chin. He backed away, pressing against the backrest on the couch but it was like Alex didn't even notice it. His whole hand was there. The long, strong fingers on his jawline, keeping his head still. And the eyes were burning through him. Curiously invading, like they were searching for something.

Don't. Don't touch me. Do not touch... Do not fucking touch me! his mind screamed but he couldn't do anything but to stare back.

"It's okay. I'll take care of you. It will make you feel awesome", Alex said and Josh was sure the caring part would be absolutely the opposite.

"I..." he started, wondering why was he like glued there but the grip on his jaw tightened.

Maybe he was trying to reassure him, but it was doing the exact opposite. The breath caught in his throat and he could hear the blood humming in his ears.

Don't fucking touch me. Leave me alone. Go away. Do not... his mind repeated while not a single word was coming out.

"Alex! Give it a rest!" Tyler was suddenly there, kicking Alex's foot to get his attention.

The hand dropped from his jaw instantly but Josh couldn't ignore the tiny sly smile that was on Alex's lips for just maybe a second.

"I need to..." he jumped up weirded out that he even managed to get the words from his mouth that felt dry as sandpaper and rushed past Tyler.

"Josh!" Tyler yelled behind him but he wasn't paying attention to it.

He had to get out from there and he had to get out fast. Before he would crumble down. Before it would all fall apart. Running to the street he paused to breathe. Or to try to breathe. He was choking and all the memories were flooding back. All the ones he had tried to forget.

But now he was there on the street. Gasping for air and leaning against the cold wall he tried so hard to ignore the thoughts. Overwhelmed and scared and on the brink of tears. And he wasn't going to cry. Not now, not like this.

And there was Tyler. He didn't understand why Tyler had followed him but he was too exhausted to just leave. Instead, he tried to keep the walls up closing himself off. One switch at a time he tried. But he was already too far gone and now failing miserably.

"Josh hey, I'm sorry he was a douche. I really didn't know he would...", Tyler said his voice fading as he stopped to stare at the other.

He clearly stayed on distance, a foot between them. And Josh realized Tyler could see the panic on his face. Everything.

"Go away", he mumbled, but even his voice was breaking.

"Hey. Don't run okay?" Tyler said.

"No, don't... just leave me alone", the other gasped.

It was like a whirlwind inside him. He didn't want, he didn't need anyone. He hated that he was this weak and now swallowing the tears. He wanted to scream at Tyler to run while he still could, but then the other side of him was telling him to give up.

Tyler didn't even bother to answer. It was so clear to him that he couldn't just walk away when Josh was falling apart. He didn't know why or what could he even do but instead of obeying the empty words that fell from the lips he pulled the other to a hug.

Standing there in the corner of the building Tyler listened to Josh's breathing that was uneven and shallow as the other was still fighting the tears. Josh was mad at himself, and so overwhelmed. But the humming, like Tyler was singing something softly, grounded him. And Josh let someone hold him for the first time in his life without fighting back.

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