My Only Compass

A very terrified four year old Stefani Black woke up to shouting, police sirens and a blur of red and blue headlights. She jumped up in a panic and began to cry and scream when she  looked over to her sister and they hugged and cried harder. "Stand back! We are kicking the door in!" The door flew open. Three cops walk in as the two sisters cling to each other. One of the cops was a latino, the other white. They have seen them before. The sisters see their scared mother yelling for mercy. But all they can do is just this. Scream. Cry. Watch. No one cares what we think. Or feel. Not those people, the ones who are supposed to help you. Stefani saw it all in slow motion, trying to understand what was happening as she saw the men point their guns at her daddy's back as they slammed him against the door and she clenched tighter to Ivy and wished she was dreaming. Ivy was a stuffed animal, a white cat with blue eyes that her dad had bought her for Chritstmas when she was just a baby. As she squeezed her sisters hand they watched as the other cop had a gun pointed at her mom telling her not to move. Then her daddy's hands were tied together. It all happened so slowly and she'd been screaming "NO! DON'T TAKE MY DADDY! PLEASE! NOOOOOOOOO! DADDY DON'T GO!" the whole time. She ran to him but the cops wouldn't grant her one last hug. She knew they were going to take him away because she had seen a tv show where the men dressed like that took people away. They took her daddy. Then another man came and asked the sisters questions. Stefani remembers the man asking if she knew where her parents hid any drugs. She didn't know what to say. She didn't like him going through her room, though. Even her underwear drawer. That made her feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Stefani looked at him, clearly confused, "No.. Why would you ask that?" He didn't answer. That's about it other than him searching the house and not bothering to clean up after himself. Stefani saw her other sister, Amy, coming down the hall to calm her baby sister down. Her brother Jim sat in silence as everything happened. Stefani didn't understand how they were so strong and not having a panic attack like she had when she saw the gun pointed at her parents. But Amy told her everything was gonna be okay so Stefani took a page from her oldest sisters book and the tears stopped and she faked calmness which also made Samantha, who was in worse shape, do the same. Stefani missed her daddy so when she went to her mother after everything was calm, Stefani was already bottling up more tears for the rest of the family. She was still holding on to Ivy as she walked in her parents room and leaned against the wall and was  surprised to find that it was her mom who looked extremely upset, the way Stefani felt, but she took a deep breath and managed to ask her mother, "Mommy, is daddy ever coming back?" Then Stefani dropped Ivy, climbed on the bed to hug her mom and cried. Her mom held her for a minute. "Aw, Stefani, of course he will. You wanna sleep in here? Your other sisters can sleep in the same room. Your brother is alright I checked on him. Mommy loves you." Her mother kissed her cheek and when she fell asleep she put Ivy beside her and tried to get some sleep herself. Her four angels were safe and sound, that's what was most important. Poor Stefani. She was only getting worse. She woke up in terror three times that night and cried so much she got sick. She's too young to have such bad anxiety, or whatever this was. But when her dad came back she would be okay. At least for a while. 

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                                                           10 Years Later

                                                             Stefani

As I stood on the back porch smoking a cigarette at two in the morning, I thought about what the future would hold. I pulled my oversized Chanel shades up because I had nothing to hide while my family was asleep, it was just a habit. I liked how it held my long blonde hair with black tips back too. It was June but my freshman year would start soon because summers for me were always too short. I was glad middle school was over. Nobody was gonna bully me this year. I'd heard about the hazing. The seniors, the popular, preppy girls giving us shit, but this isn't Dazed and Confused, I knew it was bullshit. I know this because my sister, Samantha, was one of them. I wasn't anyone's bitch, so I didn't care if they tried, although I knew they wouldn't. I met them and just one look had them scared. Seriously? I didn't think I was intimidating, but Michelle, Chloe & Ashley, my best friends, told me that it was evil & called it the "Death Stare" which I laughed at everytime they said it.  I wasn't trying to scare anyone, but I also was no longer gonna let bitches get away with whispering & laughing, clearly at me & my friends. While most of my classmates were worried about these things, my mind was elsewhere. I'd found something out that just couldn't be true. I told myself it was just in my head. I didn't hear those words from my parents. It was just my imagination telling crazy lies. I couldn't think about it right now. I got a joint out of my cigarette pack and smoked it til I couldn't feel anymore... that's how I wanted to stay, away from reality and away from the shit that haunts me to this day.