Visions

Ch 1

Gun shots sounded from the TV in the living room. Erich and I sat on the couch, fully engrossed in the film before us; our eyes never left the screen. Erich however, although interested in the film, slouched in his seat with his arms crossed as he impatiently waited for the film to end. Finally, a few scenes later the ending credits began.

"Wow," I sigh with a stretch, " what a good movie. Don't you think so Erich?"

Next to me sat the frustrated man who could only stare at me. He uncrosses his arms and shifts to face towards me-his face however, never changing from its annoyed look.

"Lindsey you can't escape this forever. You know why I came here in the first place and we have to talk before I leave tonight." He puts his arm on the rest next to him. "I'm meeting your second manager and producers by the end of this week. So I don't need you stalling and keeping us from talking."

"Yeah, but I haven't eaten yet and it's hard to talk about such a serious subject on an empty stomach." I got up from the couch and walk over to the TV. "Once Gavi and Drew get here with the food then we can talk."

I picked up the stack of movies on the TV stand and file through them. A small silence wavers between the two of us.

"Besides, isn't this something we should talk about with them? They're apart of my crew so they deserve to know too." I turn back, facing him, with the stack of movies in hand. "Now which movie do you want to watch next? These are all seriously good picks but I can't choose-"

"Lindsey." Erich calls.

"Oh," I gasp, picking up the first movie, "how about this one? I haven't seen The Little Mermaid since I was a kid!"

"Lindseeeyy."

"No, wait." I pick out another movie from the stack. "Everyone is sure to love Princess Bride!"

"Lindsey!" Erick barks, standing from the couch, "I understand that you want to relive your childhood, but right now we have to talk about this! I can't keep postponing the meeting! I need answers, now."

I groan and put down the movies on the coffee table in front of the couch. Reluctantly I sit back down on the couch, crossing my arms.

"Erich I've already made my decision and that's final!"

"As your manager I can't let you do that! It's too risky and-"

"I know that already!" I put my hands up in defeat. "But as an independent artist, I think I'm allowed to choose how I live out my career. Please just respect my decision."

"According to the studio you use, I don't think you are independent Lindsey. So I'm pretty sure I get some say in this as well!" Erich sat back down, facing me.

"Your the tour manager, you don't get much say."

"But isn't the tour what we're talking about?"

Silence drifted between the two of use once again. As if time stopped, no one spoke a word. My frown turned into a scowl the more I realized that Erich was right. In arguments like these, I hated when he was right, it made me realize how ignorant and childish I seemed.

"Ok fine! You're right! But you only get a say in this because we're talking about the tour. Anything other than the tour, I get to decide what choice to make. Okay?"

"Well that's pointless. If I convince you to not make this decision then ultimately I also convinced you what choices to make for everything else."

"You can't change my mind. I've already decided what I want. This upcoming tour is my last tour!"

I shift in my seat to face away from Erich. My eyes wander across the room as I pretend to not listen to Erich, who scoots closer to me.

"Well I can't let you do that. You still have three more years left to your contract and I'm not going to let you waste those because you don't want to tour anymore. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"

"Don't try to rationalize with me right now." I shift my back towards Erich more. "You know far well why I don't want to tour anymore. So I don't think you can convince me otherwise."

Erich sighs with defeat. My heart dropped because I knew what that meant. He knows it is near impossible to change my mind at times when I've made up my mind. He described it like cutting throne stone- hard but not impossible.

His silence began to worry me as fear rose up in my chest. Usually he's never this quiet. My first thought is that he's given up on me. Would he actually give up that easily? I shake it off knowing that would be over dramatic of me to think, as he's told me how emotional I am many times before.

Right now was one of those times where it seems impossible. Not for him, but for me. I started this conversation almost a year ago and it hasn't ceased since. I rushed into his office with puffy eyes and black, mascara covered cheeks. It was after I had read the comments on my most recent video that my view of life had shifted. I no longer saw fans traveling from around the world to see me, I only saw moderators coming to watch. Erich detests this wholeheartedly, saying that I'm making such an impact with my music. How they love the messages I speak about to them, the way I freely expresses myself, and even the way I encourage them to be more confident in themselves.

But am I really? Now it only feels like a show for attention and judgement. I honestly doubt I no longer have any fans at this point.

Still, Erich sees this situation differently. He always goes on to others about how I am an important model in every single on of their lives. Though I see his view quite well, I feel he cares more about the fans than myself. I've caught him saying how he couldn't face seeing so many heartbroken fans if they heard what I was wanting to do.

"Lindsey, please, I'm asking you to reconsider. This wouldn't be fair to your fans. Just think of-"

"Yeah, it's not like they were ever fair with me to begin with." I snarl.

My eyes widen. Did I just say that? How could I be so heartless? I felt so cruel saying such a thing. More importantly, I just said the one thing I had somehow kept to myself since the beginning of this conversation. A pit formed in my stomach, leaving me nauseous and making my head ache the longer this went on.

Stop Lindsey, you know you're stronger than that. Get yourself together!

Erich stared with wide eyes, taken aback. He quickly shook his head and returned to his reserved look as if he never reacted to my comment. Though he returned quite quickly, something was off beneath his dark eyes. A voice coming up that he suppressed for so long was now reaching out to be heard.

"Lindsey, just please rethink this. I know-you know that your fans love you dearly. You can't say something like that when they are willing to travel from farther places to come see you."

A tear fell from my reddened eyes that was unbeknownst to Erich. I hug myself, trying so hard to keep my mouth shut, but a cry slipped from me. Thinking about the future I wanted only made me feel unsettled and guilty. The pit that sat in my stomach only grew as I thought about how selfish my choice was.

No, I'm not being selfish. I'm being selfless. I'm doing this for them, for myself.

The more I try to convince myself, the more unconvinced I become. This never ending cycle is why I'm still stuck in this same place. It's the reason for why I haven't actually done what I've wanted to. Now I wish, beg, and plead for this cycle to end.

Please, please, make it end. Let them hear my wish and make it end.

But sometimes, prayers aren't always answered when you want them to. Sometimes these prayers are left unanswered until all the stars align and the next chapter of your life is ready to begin.