Can you hear me?

three

Nov 17, 2020

I keep finding old diary entries of mine all around in my things. I'm only writing again now because I remembered how nice it felt to actually vent. I feel like diary sounds childish so I'll call it a journal. It's nice because that's somewhere where you are actually heard. The people around me don't listen or care enough to so I have to resort to this.

So much has happened over the years. I'm 16 now. I don't know how I dealt with it. I actually have a boyfriend. I think I'll start with him. We started dating when I was 14. I turned 15 a few days later. We were okay at first. He wanted us to be a secret, but I didn't really think too much of it. He told his brother we were dating and I spoke to him on the phone. I found out his brother hated me later, but I'll get into that later. We obviously went to different schools. We met through mutual friends, but I'm not connected to that friend anymore. One of his close friends knew about me and so did his brother so I didn't really care about the secret part of the relationship because people still knew. He made me tell my dad too so it didn't seem bad to me. Everything was fine until I realized that when people asked him if he had a girlfriend he said no. I knew we were a secret, but seriously? He was acting as though he was available for any female. We only dated for a month. Let me tell you how we broke up though. First I should mention that we haven't met. We've known each other for almost two years and we still haven't met. We don't live too far from each other, but we don't live close by either. My mom is also strict and I have no idea how she'd react if she knew I had a boyfriend, much less ask her to let me go see him.

So one day I was at my cousins house and I wasn't feeling too well. He had already gotten on my nerves so when he texted me I didn't answer, but I fell asleep shortly after. By the time I woke up I saw that he texted again. When I went to see what he said it was literally just him complaining about me not answering him and him blocking me. So I texted his number and said I was just taking long like him and he told me to keep doing that and said that it was nice knowing me. Just like that...it was over. The crazy thing though is that he later claimed his brother blackmailed him into doing it. Still doesn't change the fact that he got back with his ex right after. We spoke a little after the breakup, but it was just too negative. He started texting me again before summer started and we were talking a lot and we ended up getting back together again. The relationship was okay. It wasn't really anything special. We had some fights, but it was okay. We ended up breaking up again when school started. He convinced me we wouldn't break up and he would sort out the problem with his brother, but that didn't happen. Later that night I found myself blocked. All he said was he was sorry. I waited the whole week to hear something, but I got nothing. Nothing at all. I actually thought we'd be okay and that he would fix everything. After that week I just felt like absolute shit. He ended up back with his ex too.

I have to finish this entry later because I have to go clean the house before my mom gets mad. That'll be something else I have to write about.