Paintings Of Him

Chapter 14 - Confusion

My breath caught as soon as Corbin walked into the room, seeing me on the phone. By the look on his face, he knew exactly who was on the other end of the phone. He stood still, gulping slowly as I mumbled a few words to Jordan, telling him that I would soon call him back. Corbin's eyes darted towards the door as if he was ready to make a run for it, but I was tired of us avoiding all of this confusion between us. 

"I hope you have some type of explanation" I told him, throwing my phone down on the couch. 

He looked down, fiddling with his fingers nervously. "Clara-"

I cut in with a sharp whisper. "Why didn't you tell me? A-After everything that I had been through with dropping out of school, you told me that I was brave and I believed you-"

"It wasn't like that" he persisted, his eyes filling with desperation. "I wasn't keeping it from you because I was ashamed of dropping out of school...I was just confused..."

"Confused about what?" I groaned, throwing my hands around. 

"Us."

The vulnerability in his voice caused my head to snap over to him. He spat the word out quietly, with a shaky voice as if he was afraid to admit it himself. For a long moment we stood in silence, my eyes scanning him slowly as if trying to work out what was going through his mind. I talked myself out of the tiny flicker of hope that appeared in my chest, knowing that it was stupid and a waste of time. 

"What a-about us?" my voice was weak. 

He let out a deep sigh, sitting down on the couch as he ran his fingers through his dark hair. He put his head in his hands before looking up reluctantly, searching my eyes as he took a deep breath in to prepare himself. 

"Look...ever since what happened between us, I-I have been confused. I d-didn't want to mess you up for college or to make you feel like it was forced...like I was pitying you. I don't know what it means but I couldn't really work it out, I needed to spend some time working out what it was...but being away from you just didn't clear up anything" he admitted quietly. 

"What are you trying to say?" I crossed my arms over my chest slowly, my voice guarded. 

He blew out a breath. "I-I don't know, Clara...that is the problem. I have no idea what to do and I just got confused after everything that happened."

"After we kissed?" my voice was small and I sucked in a breath when he nodded. 

"I don't want to confuse you or give you any false hope" he looked up pleadingly, "I don't know what this means but I am just confused...I wanted some time with you to work out what is going on and if this means anything..."

He looked panicked towards the end, but I kept my voice flat and chilled out even though my body was on high alert, every nerve in my body buzzing. I scanned his eyes, finding nothing but pain and confusion in his icy blue orbs and I looked away quickly. 

"Am I the reason why you left Stanford?" I searched his eyes desperately, part of me wishing that his answer was no, but the other part of me lighting up with the same hope that had driven me mad for years. 

"I-I don't know" he admitted quietly, tugging on his hair. "I knew that I couldn't tell Jordan why I was acting so strange, and so I didn't tell him anything, I just dropped out. But I couldn't sleep or do anything at college...it was like something was keeping me here."

"So what are you going to do?" I mumbled softly. 

"I can't tell Jordan the truth" he winced, "he would never speak to me again...but I don't know what I am meant to say. I'm not asking you to lie to him, I could never make you do something like that, this is my mess to sort out. I am the one who caused all of this."