A different perspective

The distance is too wide

"I was impressed. You're ruining it."

"I'm sorry." Sorry again. I let go of my arms and approached him, now about five feet away from him.

"You really don't have to keep saying that." He stayed silent, clearly uncomfortable.

"...Okay." I smiled, slightly concerned but slightly amused.

"You want to say it again, don't you?"

"Very much so, yes." He quickly responded, rocking on his heels. He glanced up at me.

"You're weird." I realized what I had said. Even though I was kidding, maybe he thought I wasn't. That's always what his brain told him, and to be honest, I don't think that anyone had really ever joked around with him like that before. I forced a grin on my face none the less.

"I know." He mumbled. I stared at him, my smile falling. I had to ask him... didn't I?

"Why did he say that? In his note?" He looked up confused. I walked over to the bed and sat down, reciting the note. "'Because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don't even know and she doesn't know me.'" Why would he write that? What does that even mean?" It registered what I was asking of him. He stayed silent. He couldn't give an answer. Of course. It was like when you use a calculator for a problem, and it's not an answer on the test. It seemed correct, you did the math right, there just wasn't a place for it to be. And all of a sudden. he spoke.

"Oh. Um... Well, I guess- I'm not sure if this is definitely it- but he was always... He always thought that maybe if you guys were closer-" I looked up, interrupting him.

"We weren't close. At all."

"No, exactly. And he used to always say that he wished that he was. He wanted to be." I scooted forward.

"So you and Connor, you, you guys would talk about me?"

"Sometimes. I mean, if he brought it up. I never brought it up. Obviously. Why would I have brought it up?" I smiled weakly. "He thought you were... Awesome." And pack it up, it's over, we're done. Of course, he didn't think I was awesome. But I couldn't just leave, so...

"He thought I was awesome? My brother."

"Definitely." He said, his voice sure.

I cocked my head. "How?"

"Okay... um, okay... like.. um, like whenever you have a solo. In jazz band?" I nodded. "You close your eyes and you get this-you probably don't even know you're doing this... But you get this half smile. Like you just heard the funniest thing in the world, but it's a secret and you can't tell anybody. But then, the way you smile, it's sort of like you're letting us in on the secret, um... too." What? He cleared his throat, starting over. I smiled reassuringly. He stared at me for a moment before looking away. "Um... He said, there's nothing like your smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real." Then he looked back at me. I felt myself go pink. Smiling, huh? I was smiling at the moment. I pushed it away, trying not to show off or whatever. "He said... You never know how wonderful the smile could make someone feel." 

"And he knew, whenever you get bored, you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans." I smiled and looked down at them. But then it disappeared. Anyone could see that. Maybe he was making it up. I looked back down, studying the bedspread. "And he noticed, that you still fill out the quizzes, that they put in those teen magazines." My head snapped up. He knew that? I've never told anyone that."But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid. And though he wanted to, he couldn't talk to you, he couldn't find the way. But he would always say: "If I could tell her, tell her everything I see. if I could tell her, how she's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart...And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her... If I could tell her."  My eyes had traced him around the room, he was walking and pacing and darting his eyes toward me, and I took in every word.